i don’t know

WARNING:  this entry may not make a bit of sense…

It started Wed night.  And j wouldn’t fess up to anything until i saw the look of pain on his face and badgered him (because i HAVE to, to get anything out of him) into admitting that he was having pain in the center of his chest…classic heart attack symptom.  So, i tried to prepare myself for a hospital run  Just in case….

But i really didn’t have a clue how bad it was until j insisted on taking a shower and i heard soft expletives coming from him.  I found him leaning against the shower wall with both hands, slightly bent over,

"What can i do?" i asked.

"i just need to get out of here,"

I grabbed his towel and pulled back the shower curtain.  But he insisted on finishing his shower, claiming that he’d feel better if he was clean. 

"I’m a stubborn sob, aren’t i?".  Understatement of the freakin century.

Yep, he even shaved.

He was hobbling around after getting out of the shower.  I’d told him a half an hour before that i was ready for bed, so he told me to go ahead and go to bed.

"I’m not really sleepy any more."

"I’m sorry, Hon."

He claimed it was his pancretitis flaring up, not a heart attack.  But…he also told me a bit later that it’d gone away and he was baffled because that’s not how it normally feels.

Denial is a dangerous thing.

Now, i don’t know what he was experiencing.  And that makes it incredibly difficult for me to make a decision as to whether to call 911 or not.

I stayed home with him yesterday…just in case.  The intensity of the pain varied all day.  I hung around with him and watched TV and fetched whatever i could for him and said a LOT of prayers.

Around 9:00 PM, he was dozing and i couldn’t sit still any more.  I got on stripping the border in the bathroom.  I don’t know what they used for glue on that stuff, but, DANG!!!  I used some serious muscle power.  I suppose it didn’t help that i’d put it up about ten years ago!  Our bathroom’s not even big enough to change your mind inside it–but i didn’t quit scraping ’till around 5:00 am (i didn’t wanna have to clean the bathtub out twice).  I got two and a half hours sleep and ran in cirlcles for awhile after i got up, accomplishing lots of little things and finishing up the border removal.

Seems to be my way of dealing with it all.

J’s at work–even though he was bent over, moving slowly while getting ready.  *shaking my head*