I gave in today

I gave in this morning.  Couldn’t deal with another day of lack of sleep and Marilyn’s self-pitying causing all that tension in the office.  I’ve got enough of my own tension, thanks.  I prefer to laugh whenever possible and not take myself as seriously as she does.

So, i got up at my usual four-thirtish this morning, let the fuzzy girls out, back in, gave them their treats and made it to the couch and turned on the news, thinking that if i sat there a minute, i could get myself together enough to get moving for work.  My hiatal hernia’s acting up (and Marilyn doesn’t help it any).  The next thing i remember, is j coming in around five-thirtish saying, "Why don’t you go back to bed?".  Sounded like a plan to me, since i was still hurting.

So…i slept till around noon and here i am, still in my nightshirt, trying to get myself awake and figure out what it is i need to do.  I’m not expecting anybody, so if the doorbell rings, i’m hiding!

J’s playing golf and i need to pack for my trip to see my folks and Soph (YAY!!!).  It’s a weird time of year to try to pack for, tho, since the weather’s changing it’s mind all the time (kinda like me!).  I’m trying to find my winter clothes that’ve been packed away, then moved and put up helter skelter, then trying to figure out what the heck still fits me and get it all washed up.

Mostly, i think i’m just emotionally drained.  Between trying to put this house back together again and trying to get the trailer sold so i can pay Dad back what i owe him and working and trying to have a bit of time leftover to spend with j…especially since i’m going to be leaving him and the girls for a few days, i’ve just had it.  The hurting on top of everything else, doesn’t help– but that’s also prob’ly stress related.

But i think the meltdown hit me last night when Jimmie and Jordan came to visit.  Jordan was in a great mood, which i wanted to enjoy, while i was trying to do laundry and clean up the kitchen, but Jimmie, as usual, wouldn’t quit talking about himself or trying to pry meaningless information out of me to hold against his dad long enough for me to even enjoy Jordan.

I don’t like Jimmie.  And i carry a lot of guilt about it.  Shoot, i raised the boy, claimed him as my son, and detest his personality, mostly the way he holds every grudge he’s ever had against anyone close to his heart and saves it for when he can throw it back in their face– if he’s still speaking to them.  I guess, mostly, that would be me and his dad.  He’s written everyone else off and has nothing to do with them.  But…it’s everyong else’s fault, in his mind.  He’s done nothing wrong in his life…he’s the victim.  And i believe he stays up late at night and counts all the wrongs done against him and imagines getting back at the people who’ve messed up his life.  And i’m just over dealing with it.  Occasionally, i still try to talk some sense into him, make him think on a different path.  Remind him that by not forgiving folks that he’s not hurting anyone but himself…and that i truly believe that hatred will eat a person up.  But i’ve been giving him this speach for so many years that i don’t think it has an effect on him any more.  So, sadly enough, i rarely even try any more.

And i feel doubly guilty that he now has full custody of Jordan and that Jordan reminds me of his father more and more each time i see him.  It’s not his fault, tho….he only knows what’s told to him.  And with him and his dad spending so much time together, his dad tells him things that a seven year old shouldn’t be thinking about.

So sad…and i’m not sure how to deal with it.  I just try to let Jordan know we love him every chance i get and we play and have a good time when we’re together–even tho i have to put him in his place at times.  I haven’t given up on him.

Yeah, it’ll be good to get away for a few days.