Winter Days

Although time is going fast, spring is still too far away to suit me.  Without our regular snowfall, winter is just cold.  The brightness, we usually have with the snow, is gone, so it’s a lot of grey.  Grey has never been my favorite color.

It’s been mild, still cold, but for here in Jan., very mild.  Right now it’s below zero again, but yesterday was in the 20’s w/ sunshine-felt balmy.  I do have cabin fever.  Logan and I mostly stay home, it’s either too cold or we’re busy or he’s cranky or I am.  Brie only works ’til 4, so she’s home before you know it.  We (Logan and I) have the morning, then he naps around 1-1:30 for his 2 – 2 hours, “Ellen” is on at 3, then Brie’s home!  Quick days. I make supper usually, and by the time that’s all over, I’m done for the day.  Good for nothing but love, as hubs says.

My concentration is all over the place and that’s if I have any at all. It’s not getting any easier, this situation here, and now with hubs looking for work-at the worst time of the year-he has way too much time to think about how everything should be. Oy. He’s busy, finishing the house he’s job supe. for, so that’s good, but still too much time.  His nose (Thank You God) is mostly healed up and he feels so much better it was all worth it.  He used to snore terribly, well of course, now he doesn’t, he can actually breathe out of both nostrils and so he feels and sleeps great. 

I’ve been mildly depressed for so long I don’t remember feeling any other way.  That’s why I don’t write.  What would be the point?  I stay busy, with Logan Philip, that is no problem. 🙂 And the days go by.

Carl has started proceedings for the paternity test, that will be on Mon or Tues of this week.  Blood will be drawn-or swabs, or whatever-and that question will be answered once and for all.  I believe Logan is Chris’s son.  He looks so much like Brie, but if he looks like anyone else it’s Chris. He even stands like Chris.   I think Carl knows this too, in his heart, Brie knows (fears) it too.  Carl loves this little boy so much, I pray, finding out, will not change anything.  But it’s going to be so hard.

Chris was heartbroken when Brie went back to Carl and they got back together, now, I just don’t know how he feels. Will any resentments hold him back from Logan?   I don’t know what will happen and I haven’t given it alot of thought. What will be will be. Does that sound nonchalant?  It’s not.  I simply know that nothing will change the situation, it is what it is.  I am not too positive of a person these days.  I’m cheerful but that’s not the same thing. 

Hubs and I have been battling about Brie again.  Truthfully, I am so sick and tired of that-of everything, I could scream.  Boy this is really a shitty entry.  I’m sorry.  I tried to post pics, it didn’t work and just that little thing brought me down. My resources are dried up. 

Steve and I are miles apart.  Miles.  But we both have so much pressure on us right now and our differences are really showing up what with all that’s going on in our own home, and everything else.  We still hug and kiss and tell each other we love each other, and we do-but any attempts at heart to hearts or anything-forget it.

My aunt is feeling better (I prob. haven’t even written about that), but there is still a problem with her heart and she will see the heart specialist in Duluth (ugh) next month.  My mom has been extremely worried about her, since Dad died, mom depends on her sister so much more. They’ve always been close.  All of us kids grew up like brothers and sisters.  I pray she will be fine, bless her heart.  I love her dearly.

It’s her daughter, Annie, who has been battling cancer for so very long and now is (again) in chemo.  Ann is one tough cookie, but still we worry and for a mother…well, you mom’s know.  It’s hard on my aunt.  We all have very positive attitudes, although mine is slipping right now,  and that helps so much.  I don’t know what or where I’d be with out my family.

Since Dad, there’ve been 4 deaths, and now one more-this one is not family, he was a close friend of my cousins. Dave (my cousin) lost his Dad right after we did.  So much saddness, you see.  Too much.  Sometimes it’s just too much and all you can do is wait for happier times when the news is good and everyone is healthy.  You can worry yourself sick over others.  You can forget there are good things in life…or not forget, but fear what’s next and for who.

It’s been 7 months, almost, since dad died.  I still carry such a sense of disbelief. I wonder if that’s normal. I miss him every day, and still feel very weighted down by saddness.  Although it lightens now and again.

Logan.  Oh that child. What on earth would I do w/o him? He is such a joy.  I have never used that word this much until he came along! But honestly he is doing something new every day.  It doesn’t have to be much, going in, getting Grampa’s hat and come strutting into the room with it on…running after the dog, catching him and giving Chipper a (just tolerated) loving hug…bringing his shoe and wanting it put on…coming up and putting his head on my leg and arms around them-just for a cuddle, then running off again to play, these are things that sound small, but are so dang sweet at the time I just melt. 

His temper is developing.  Uh….it’s a lot like his mommy and Grandma’s. Oops.  Brie gives in so much more.  You’d think it’d be me, but I fear him being a brat, so I don’t.  Unless he wants loving, he gets that. Now.  But he wants to play, of course, with everything, and I’m tired of searching for the phone, the tv remote, the keys, etc.  So I say no.  His temper, to me, is cute.  Oh that sounds ridiculous, not cute. I don’t know. But it’s him.  He gets over it and he’s fine, it’s simply more of his personality coming out and seeing this little pint sized cutie stomp his feet, cracks me up more then anything. 

(c)