11/6/03

You would think, what with all my extra time from not being online, I’d have solved any problems and have a sparkling clean house, plus be caught up on all my laundry.

This hasn’t happened.

Therefore being online doesn’t take away from much. I do love rationalizing, don’t you?

It appears my life will never settle into anything remotely calm or peaceful for any lengths of time-so it’s good I’ve learned the art of making little pockets of peace. Hubs and I just shared one of those, a whole weekend at a fave inn nearby. For our 17th anniversary, we spent last weekend at Timothy’s, in a suite with a fireplace, hot tub and champagne on ice awaiting us. Pure bliss, we had an absolutely wonderful time. We, in fact, christened the suite as it had never been used before. I can safely say we did a fine job.

It was a good thing as the week has been a stressful one. Yesterday, for example, hubs got laid off. He called me and I do think we both went into shock. However before we were able to have full blown nervous breakdowns, they rehired him saying the company would lose too much $ w/o him.

Can you believe it? Talk about feeling wiped out last night. There’s just nothing like running the full gamut of emotions in one day. It’s been rather stressful at times around here (coughcough*understatement*cough) and that topped it off. Brie and Logan are still here, and after much handwringing, heavy talks, weighty decisions, ultimatums and whatnot, Carl is too. He lives with Brie and Logan in their apt., but they basically, live here. Funny thing is, Carl-on meds for ADHD, and working-is doing great. Brie is wishy washy. Doing great for a time, then not so good. It gets a little hairy at times, I can tell you that.

I, myself, am up and down. It’s a hard time for me personally and there are moments I think I cannot take it anymore. (When will this child be raised??!!) I’ll tell you one thing, I have had my share of “character builing” times. I don’t want anymore. Honest. I don’t care if I have no character or ever do! Enough, I say!

Then toddles up Logan. Oy vey. No possible way I can convey how adorable this child is. He is simply precious. Walking now, and ever so pleased with himself about it, he is. He’ll start from the L.R., heading for me in the kitchen (which is a long way on those little legs), hands raised, stepping carefully with a huge, proud smile on that little face. (Just LOOK at me Grandma!!) Once in a while, he’ll stop and clap his hands in delight. Just tickled. By the time he gets to me, he’s even looking a little smug. LOL. What would I do w/o him here right now? I get so lost but I swoop him up and cuddle and I know just where I am and who I am. I, am Logan’s Grandma. *s*

Yes, yes. I know, pic’s would be nice. But who has time to drop off the film? AND pick it up, AND put it online. Not this woman. I am suddenly mother to 4 kids, and it’s not an easy transistion. I’ve never been remotely organized anyway. I need a clipboard with everything written down, but I’d forget where I left the damn thing when I needed it anyway, so I figure, why waste the time making one up?

Chels is doing great and is a busy, busy, (gulp) highschooler. I’ve put more miles on just hauling her and her friends around. Because I don’t “work” I have somehow become the ONE everyone depends on. Chels and I have butted heads over that one (ask first, Chelsea) she gets huffy (fine, I’ll just stay home forever), I get exasperated (well, good!) And of course, nothing gets settled, because I’m off and running then on something else. It’s not that I really mind so very much. We got a new van, which I love and it’s true that if I were working out, like the other moms, I’d appreciate me. But to have to leave right in the middle of making dinner a few nights in row, and I don’t care who works or where Chels is stranded! Kids.

It feels kind of good to be annoyed at the small things again. To feel anything. I must be coming out of some of the numbness and painfogged world I’ve lived in since Dad. Still can’t write anything more. Just since Dad. I don’t accept it, but I know I don’t and I do know it happened and it’s true, so I’m okay. I believe with all my heart he is still in our lives. I even believe he had something to do with Hubs getting rehired yesterday. (Chels said she could just see Grandpa, hands on hips, that look on his face saying “Now Lord,…) *L* But, oh, I still miss him and the thought of the holidays coming up are almost unbearable.

Today, however, I am in a happy mood, almost lighthearted and it’s the first day like this in months. I actually feel good w/o having to try o hard. The ache is still there, taking up most of the space, but around the edges… I know this makes Papa so happy too.

I have days of such anger. Simmers underneath and it takes not much to make me lose my temper. Lots of biting my lip on those days. But I get so angry over this loss. I feel too young to have to go thru’ it, it’s not fair, etc. Normal feelings all, but knowing that doesn’t make it go away.

I’m just sliding over the last few months, but why even note the hardest times in life? It’s been a struggle, for me, all of us, missing Dad. It’s been a struggle with such a large household and the emotions that come with that. It’s been a struggle with adjusting to it all. I have no wish to relive it on paper or anywhere else.

Somehow, love and laughter holds us together and even with everything, there is alot of that here. I am thankful and feel blessed by it. Having Logan here, in the same house, has helped and does help and will continue to help me, tremendously. He is still the light of my life.

Ok, I’m just typing along here as usual and noticed I have no character limit on this page. Then I save and have no paragraphs, it’s all one huge paragraph. What the hell? Can I not leave here for one minute w/o it all going to pieces?? Plus, the last time I was here, there were more little boxes on top. For instance the insert picture or graphic or whatever. Now what happened to that I ask you? I kinda liked it. Now it’s gone. Must I write to the DM and tell him I really must insist on No More Changes? I am at my limit, really. I need my OD to be steady, secure, stable, because not much else is for me right now! Sigh.

Well I changed the thing with all the letters that only works on IE. That gave me my character limits back. Now I’m hitting save and seeing if I got my spacing back. If not, it’s staying that/this way until I find out what is going on.

But right now, we’re going shopping. Logan needs a new coat.

P.S. Spell check is not working either so I apologize in advance for misspellings (is that misspelled?!). I do so hate them.

I’m gone, bye-bye.