…and more.

The thing is, you can start to feel like that and it’s not really true-it just *feels* that way. I feel overwhelmed because I haven’t let myself talk, or really feel about it…what’s going on.

I am very stressed out about Brie right now. I worry so much – I mean if I leave town, if something happens (ie: Carl loses his temper) who’ll be there for Brie and Logan? I cannot tell you how sick and tired I am of Carl and his hair trigger, spoilt brat-but dangerous, temper. I would like to kill him myself. But then I think to myself that Brie would just find another one like him, so then I get mad at Brie.

You see how a person can drive herself crazy with no help from others?! Oy. So then yes, I catch myself and stop those thoughts. But do you ever get tired of the constant “monitoring” of your thoughts? I do.

*rolls eyes*

Oh enough. Piss and moan time over. It always ends up cracking me up when I reread what I write. Get a grip woman.

I feel better for getting it off my chest however so I will NOT delete it. For good or bad, that’s what I’ve been thinking or feeling. There’s enough censoring in the “real” world.

As for my feelings on dad. Well those I can hardly bear. He’s lost so much weight, and is so weak. A shadow of himself. My throat closes up thinking about it. I can’t bear it for him. For mom. It’s a roller coaster ride of ups and downs as anyone who’s been here knows. I hate roller coasters, always have.

So I concentrate on Logan, Chels, hubs, Brie…but I feel like I’m adrift. I’ve been stopping at garage sales here and there, finding some great toys and whatnot for Logan for when he comes to Gramma’s. *s* I love, love, love the looks he gets on his face when I show him new things and he’s trying to figure them out, or does and then I get the huge grin with the 4 teeth. Well sometimes just 2 bottom teeth when those top 2 pull back in. Both are equally precious. Brie says I’ve spoiled him and he wants to be held all the time. Oops. *w*

Brie gave him one of those small sunny delight (plastic) containers, he loves it. Puts the top in his mouth and hollers and yells in it. *L* Little nut. He’s so frustrated-wants to walk or crawl so bad!! Chloe walks and it drove Logan nuts not being able to catch up. Let’s see, what else is my little munchkin doing? Oh, he sits up of course, has for a while, and rolls over, mimics everything…and when he gets mad, he clenches his little fists down at his sides and yells. *L* I got him a walker and he loves it. Sails all around the kitchen behind me, and I have to jump quick at times when he reaches for something I didn’t put up! (and had no idea he could reach yet) Night before last, he was so very tired, but fighting sleep. We were all in the LR, visiting w/ nephew and wife and fussy boy would not give in the fight. I picked him up and patted his back while singing softly, his little head started nodding, then fell against my cheek, then gave up the battle and slept soundly on my shoulder. There’s nothing better then that. Nothing. I feel blessed to be able to do it as often as I get to. I hang onto these moments. *s*

I’m way overdue to get pic’s in here. *hangs head* If I can jolt myself out of this lethargy I fall into at times, I’ll remedy that.

Today I did nothing. This is the most strenuous thing I did…other then make myself a taco salad for lunch and scoop out watermelon for dessert. I laid on the couch with one of the quilts mom made and watched TV. It was great. I’m going to make Chels and I supper (hubs has band practise)-a frozen pizza. Then maybe take a hot bath. Tomorrow I may be ready to face the world again. If I’m not, I’m doing it again. I’m tired of feeling drained and overwhelmed. I’m gone alot, I go up home every other weekend at least-it’s 3 hr’s away. But I feel like I’m there more then that. I have to find some way to get a grip on this, all of it, instead of feeling so torn and worried and whatnot. Have another talk with Brie too. I see that’s necessary now.

You know it’s only been 2 wks since I wrote in here. Feels like months. Weird. 2 wks too long at any rate.

Thank you all, so much. I feel your thoughts and prayers. {{{{hugs}}}}

Love,