Spring is in the air…

We had so much (needed) rain last week, and it’s greening the grass up and all the leaves are starting to unfurl. The lilacs will be first to bloom, other then the numerous bushes and what not. I do love this time of year.

I hope everyone had a nice Easter…weather always seems to get nice for us right after that. Nice.

We went up north and spent it with my family. Mom, dad, my sister and her hubs and my older bro. We all stayed at my brothers, plenty of room and we had such a nice time visiting and catching up. I spoke to my brother some about dad, he said he’s knows he’s just not accepting this. My younger bro. had been there the week before and had just left, he’d talked to brother Greg too. But Greg did not know, or prob. had not listened/heard the 3 months prognosis. Down to 2 now. He took that hard-for him. And it ended our conversation, quick. It’s tough. Seems we can only talk about it in little increments of time.

Easter Sunday was so nice, except by the end of the day my nerves were shot. Dad was looking more and more tired, the apt. is small-lst time in an apt. for all of us (except Rich) and it was quite tight.

I tend to sense/feel everyone else’s feelings and I was feeling more and more wound up as the day went on. Logan got fussy-he’d had enough excitement too, and off we went around 3:30 or so. Quick hugs all around, like it was just another family dinner and not one of the last w/ our dad…I could feel all of us striving to keep it like that. Emotions get to running high no matter how hard you try however. It took the 3 hour trip home for me to unwind I think.

Mom will not talk about it and I don’t blame her. My sister had gotten a pamphlet from hospice that mom recommended-about a loved one’s last months. Vic said it was helping her and mom was so glad, but would let talking about it go no further. I understand, she needs to be strong right now, extremely so, and keep all her energy for that. She’s wonderful with dad, knows what he wants before he does, making sure he’s comfortable and not tired nor stressed…

So we do not talk about it much, other then my sister and I, and for me, that makes it hard-like there’s a ticking bomb in the corner that’s going to go off any minute but we are all ignoring it in hopes it won’t. Does that make any sense I wonder?

I feel wound up. I think we all do. But what can you do? Nothing. I talk with hubs, I know my sister talks w/ hers and her friends also. My brothers call when they need to. We all call mom and dad every couple of days. There’s nothing else we can do. We all must help each other, yet deal with it in our own ways.

My younger brother bought a corvette. A classic 1979, black with a cream leather interior in absolutely mint condition. Original everything, with only 30,000 miles, even the mufflers clean! Never driven in rain, snow, or after dark. He paid alot for it, but apparently has always wanted one. He searched the net, found one in Nebraska, picked it up on his way here. I know it has something to do with dad, I mean why he up and bought this corvette all of a sudden.

I’m not buying a corvette. I am more or less, some days, living in dread. Oh, I don’t mope about, but some days I feel a tightness and at day’s end I realize that’s what it’s been.

Brie and Logan were out tonight, I wanted to keep Logan all night but didn’t feel good. I’d run out of tegretol yesterday and well…just didn’t go get it refilled. As the day went on I felt dizzier and dizzier (NO comments please! *L*) and weak. Well duh. So I ran up and got it, but still feel woozy-better tho’. Logan was fussy too, he has his two bottom teeth and I think the top ones are popping thru’. Poor Punkin. So, we decided another night would be best. He was really fussy, crying and just miserable off and on. Darn teeth, why do they have to make such a big deal about coming in?! I walked the floor with him, precious boy. He wraps his little legs and arms about me now. Tight. Wonderful. He’ll be 7 months tomorrow! Tonight, I did dishes and went into the LR where he was standing by Grampa’s chair holding on to it. He saw me, big smile, and started walking around the chair to get to me!! The child’s going to skip crawling entirely I do believe. Chels held his hands then and I held out my arms-about 2 feet away-and he walked right to Gramma. Heart be still. *s* He is simply, the joy in my life right now. I thank God for him endlessly. I am just so grateful for this baby and how he’s brought Brie around and gathered us all close again.

Tonight, walking around with him, holding him close and feeling his little chubby legs gripping me, his precious little hands tight on my shoulders, my heart was still. No pain, no wrenching feelings, just full of peace and contentment and love. The girls were laughing and talking together…I felt blessed, even in this hard time. I am grateful.

Hubs and I are holding even closer right now to each other. Calling often throughout the day, just to say hi and hear each other. Brie calls often also, and Chels is even catching her teenage comments before they get out. *w*

I’m sort of in a daze alot of the time, I don’t know if that’s a good definition, but it’s the best I can do. I wonder if that’s normal? I find myself thinking of the past and the good times. Until that hurts.

I’m scared.

I’m grieving for Dad.

I’m still grieving for Lisa.

But I’m taking it easy, reading alot, not pushing anything…taking it a day at a time. Guess that’s all a person can do.

I’ll be catching up with everyone soon. I think of you often and hope all is well. Thank you all so very much for your support and care right now…you’ve no idea how much it helps. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Love,