Checking In

Thankfully I’ve been very busy around here. My sister and her hubs (from So. Dak.) came back to see dad, and we also went up for the wk.end. Then my neices got back from Mexico and stayed here a couple of days. Hubs parents got back from Az. on Fri. and stayed the wk. end, much company-but it was nice. My younger bro. (from Montana) was just here on Sunday, until Monday, then he went up to mom and dad’s. And my darlin’ Chelsea’s 14th birthday was today! 14. 14?! I made her fave supper and cake, she got lots of great presents and had a great day all in all. 🙂

This weekend my sister and her hubs are coming again, for Easter. So we’re off again too. We’ll all stay at my older brothers. Good thing he has a big house.

Hmmm. I knew I’ve been busy but seeing all written down I can certainly see why I’ve been a tad stressed and tired!

Annie’s surgery went well and we’ll find out any day now if they got it all. She came out of brain surgery and gave everyone waiting for her a thumbs up and told her dad “I told them it was your birthday dad.” And smiled. Bless her heart. I’m sure I’d’ve been wailing.

The news with dad isn’t so good. The doctor has given him 3 months. Maybe. It simply seems too awful to be real. Although the day mom called with the news, I got through the call with out breaking down too badly…afterwards I was in pain like I’ve never felt before.

First I rejected it I guess, because I hollered “NO.” a couple times, cried some, but tried to hang on until Hubs got home. I just felt I needed him there to ground me or something, I have no idea, but I didn’t want to let go or give in and I kept gasping to stop from screaming.

(The human mind is a strange thing is it not? As I write this, I’m going over it very technically in my mind. Studying it-if that makes sense. )

But it wasn’t to be. It was an extremely windy day, gusts up to 50 mph, but sunny and warm. I had washed our sheets and was determined to hang them on the line. The wind gusts would come and go, and in a break I took my basket full of sheets out to the clothesline. I don’t even think I knew really what I was doing, I almost felt in a trance. Telling myself over and over “hang on, hang on. This isn’t right. Just hang on…”

Of course as soon as I started hanging the 2nd sheet, the wind came in earnest. I had a hell of a time getting it on the line, putting clothespins every foot or so and hanging onto it for dear life. I was going to get those sheets on the line and that was that. One part of my mind was asking “What *are* you *DOING*” the other determinedly fighting to get those pins on.

The wind was like a demon. I felt like I was being attacked. It was going to make me lose it. (Do you think people go a bit insane at times?) Well, I did lose it and it was probably a good thing. I screamed into the wind and howled, the wind took it away into the field so no one heard.

I still felt like glass when I went into the house, but made it then until hubs got home. I went willingly into his arms, which was strange, I normally don’t like to be held when I cry. It stops me. Not that day.

I wanted to go right “home” to see dad, but mom said Dad didn’t want anyone to see him. He was very sick, vomiting constantly. She said he’s no better, worse, in fact and she doesn’t know if he’ll make the 3 months. She was glad Rich was coming home now. She sounded exhausted and I pleaded with her to call hospice over.

Hospice is going to be such a great help. They will be there as much as mom needs, and will bring a hosp. bed in if necessary. They come once a week now. It was to take blood and etc., but now that’s not necessary, all tests are done-which is good for dad’s sake I guess-so now they come to check and help out.

My sister and I will talk to mom this wk.end and discuss having them come more often. She’s just got to slow down here and get some rest herself. Dad’s awake quite often during the night and can’t do anything without help so she’s up too. I will start going up now more often, I can stay with my bro. if things aren’t very good at mom and dad’s, but can go each day to give mom a break and to get out.

Right now Dad will not believe this, take it in, whatever.

I’ve been doing okay. Writing about it clinically helped, analyzing it. But now I’m getting the shakes.

Bless you all for your care and prayers and kind and supportive notes. I still come back to read them, but really can’t write or read anything else. My emotions are all over the place, you know? Anything triggers it.

Have a wonderful Easter.

Love,