Recovering

Got back on Sat. and I think it taken until now to catch up on rest. Hopefully I’m caught up. Hard to tell, I go into feeling depressed, which is normal, but of course leaves me feeling so tired…but then that will pass-then the anxiety hits…Oy.

Dad is home, surprisingly enough, not in great shape but I think the doc feels he’ll gain some strength back quicker there then at the nursing home. I think so too. Tests have found myeloma, a cancer of bone marrow. As if he didn’t have enough.

He goes to a larger hospital Apr. 3 to discuss treatments. At this point I don’t know what they’ll decide or can do. He’s in tough shape. One of the complications of myeloma is renal failure which dad is already at risk for with his kidney disease. Mom called just last night with this latest news and while of course, I knew it couldn’t be good, I’m still trying to take it in. It’s very hard.

That’s all I can write about that right now.

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Lisa’s funeral was last Friday and was horrible as expected. Oh it went well enough I guess as those things can when it’s a young person and such a shock. In such a small town, everyone is affected you know. There must’ve been 500 people there.

To be honest it only hits in waves that it’s real, even now. At those times, it nearly brings me to my knees.

I keep seeing her laughing, which is a good memory.

The family was doing…ok, I guess. Her SO, was not, his fathers death being just a couple days before hers. He looked shattered and out of it. His hands were stitched up where he’d put them through a window or something-after he’d heard. It broke your heart to look at him.

Everyone looked shocked. Was shocked. So young and so senseless. I get so mad at her sometimes, she was so happy. WHY? In grief you ask stupid questions. I know why. Alcoholism. Fucking horrid rotten killing disease.

Her daughters were ok. They had lots of support, each of the kids in their grades came to the funeral, which is nice and always happens there. One nice thing about a small town.

My ex MIL and the bro’s and sisters…well, about as you’d expect. She was the baby of 10 kids and much loved by all. Much loved by everyone actually.

Brie did ok, we went up early enough so that she could spend some time with the family beforehand, that helped her tremendously. It was still so very hard, and of course will take time, but she’s doing alright now.

As for me, well I’m doing alright too. Not feeling much alot of the time, grief is sharp and painful, but there are short bursts of joy when I forget what’s going on and what happened. Normal enough I think. I had a hard time at the funeral too, I hadn’t seen some of the bro and sister’s for years and that was emotional seeing them, I loved them and they me. I wish hubs could’ve come. I felt so displaced it was so weird, and on top of everything else, well it was strange. Lisa’s funeral was on the anniversary of me and Bri’s wedding so many years and a diff. lifetime ago. The very day. Isn’t that an awful coincidence. I wonder what someone who doesn’t believe in coincidences would make of it? One thing I was glad about, was leaving that town.

Sticking close to home. Go out for necessary things and to see Logan and Brie. Logiebear is growing daily and at 6 months blooming and really is changing every day. Precious boy. He brings us so much joy and laughter. I drink him in and it’s a soothing tonic. Now he is w/o a doubt so happy when he see’s me, kicking his feet, reaching for me and smiling so big-that any pain or anxiety I was feeling is gone, and stays gone for the time I’m with him.

But mostly this past week is passing in a fog. A blessing. We’ve had beautiful weather up until today where we are in the midst of a winter storm. I hope winter’s last gasp. All of our snow was gone, any we get now will be needed moisture and, hopefully, go as fast as it came.

I had big plans for spring cleaning, but didn’t get a damn thing done.

Now just as I felt some sort of healing beginning-a tiny sliver, but something-this news about dad. Just thinking about it makes me ill for dad’s sake. Just thinking he has one more thing now, and an awful one at that…I can only think about it for a little at a time. Right now I just simply feel zapped, like a noodle. Especially at night like now.

Just wanted to check in. One of these days I’ll be back to catch up. I miss you all and hope all is well.

Love & {{{{hugs}}}}