Cont’d…

I understand why I fall apart, and let myself (when I’m alone). It’s very hard trying to deal with all this and thoughts go thru’ my mind that I do not want, but I imagine it’s normal. But then you have to stop yourself becuz you can imagine the worst and it hasn’t happened yet, it may never happen just that way anyway and it’s no good thinking those things. I think it’s the mind trying to prepare me at times. But then I know there is no preparing, not really, for who knows unless you’ve been thru’ it. But human nature has to try doesn’t it?

At times I’ve felt as if I would fly apart. There is still the worry in the back of my mind, never too far back, about Logan-or rather Brie and Carl. They are back together, no surprise there, and it’s hard for hubs, yet I have no patience with him. None left. Hubs will say something and I just want to smack him. Hard. I’m dealing with all I can here so SHUT UP. It’s not like he says much, he’s very caring, but anything is too much right now, you know? He’s wrapped up in this new business venture and right now I have no interest, excitement, zilch. I could care less. Make a million. Lose a million. I do not care.

He’ll stress himself out next. He had a meeting last night, lasted late, and he came in came straight to me and wrapped me in his arms apologizing for being so late. Well for heavens sake. I’ve always been one to lick my wounds in private, I surely don’t mind. The man has to continue on…as do I, I just need a little bit here to get a grip.

I always hesitate to say this, so many don’t like these men, but John Wayne always reminded me of my dad. So much, they could be brothers. And Charelton Heston even more so. So I’ve always loved them. I cried when John Wayne got so sick and died and now I cry when I see Charelton Heston. Anyway, my dad, was that kind of man. Big, strong, tough, able, in charge, respected, admired… To see him like this and know he will never get better really, is very hard. That’s why it’s so hard for Vic to comprehend. Hell it’s hard for me and the boys when we see him, to comprehend.

It’s hard for hubs too and I’m thankful he has lots to keep him busy and occupied.

Moms family has been right there since Dad went in. Mom’s sister and her girls. They all came over to see me at moms. *smile* I love them so much. We are an insane family, it comforts me being together, we laugh and talk and never shut up and lots of kisses and hugs. They keep a close eye on “Sister Rain or Auntie Rainy” and visit “Uncle Arn” all the time too. That is such a comfort to me, to us all. So at least I don’t have to worry about mom too much.

And I have my Logan. Precious peanut head boy. Last night I went over for a while, was no good yesterday at all, but later I went over, and anyway he’s such a sweetie always so happy to see Grandma and show me his new “thing” of the day. Last night I held his arms so he could pull himself up to a seating position, then to stand and he walked into me!!! Only about 4 steps, and slowly, but the child is not yet 6 months old! Brie and Carl wouldn’t believe me, so I had to have him do it again-and he did. Little bugger, I wonder if he’ll crawl or just take off walking. Brie did look a little scared. *L* I wouldn’t let him do it anymore, he was getting tired and it was soon bathtime. So we played a bit more, then Carl swept him up and off they went upstairs for his bath, Logans bright little eyes grinning at me all the way. Peeking over daddy’s shoulder, so interested and ready for more excitement. *s* Carl went up the stairs bent over so Logan could grin at me all the way up until they went out of sight, and blow kisses.

I’m a blessed woman.

We’ll all go up this weekend I think. I told hubs that Brie would want Carl to go and he dropped his head in his hands and said, “You want to kill me don’t ya?” Dork. I told him to buck up.

Dad keeps telling mom to tell the kids (Rich and Vic) not to bother, its so far, he’ll be fine, etc. Yeah, right. Dad can hardly talk. He’s scared too, he feels his body giving out. And do you know, it about kills me to think it’ll scare dad even more to see all us kids there. He’ll say he must be dying. Last time Rich flew home, but Vic didn’t come back. Now she and her kids and their kids are coming. I will think, “I can’t do this.” But I know there isn’t any choice. And I try to hang onto the hope that somehow dad may rally. I mean last time, he was pretty bad too, not quite this bad…but it’s good to have some hope isn’t it? This time however, it seems to be a matter of time. Period.

I used to think that would be a good thing to know. But it isn’t. At all.

Thanks for listening.