Wasting Time

I have other things I need to be doing, but just can’t seem to get to them. It’s snowing today, just a little and it’s so pretty. Chels is at school today, hubs at work and I’m enjoying my day completely. Why wreck it with doing the bills and errands?

When I lived up north, the winters-Jan and Feb. were cold, always -20, -40 below. To combat that, I’d wear long johns or tights under my jeans. We all did. I’d forgotten that, it just doesn’t get that cold here for as long, but today I’ve pulled out my long johns. Before you picture me in a red union suit, stop. I have silk long johns, cream w/ lace around the legs. One can still have class while keeping warm. *w*

Brie and Carl had a huge fight last night, I had just sunk into a hot bath when she called crying. I could hear Logan ‘talking’ in the background (Carl had gone to his moms), and she’s bawling…so much for my bath. I went over there for a couple hours until she was calmed and felt better and Logan was ready for bed. My heart aches for her as it’s her rage this time that caused the fight. The same uncontrollable rage that goes along with ADHD/BPD. The illness I so kindly seem to have passed on to her. It took me a long time to realize that one of my ancestors passed it on to me, and thus not blame/hate myself for it. We deal w/ what we’re dealt and now I’m thankful I can help her with that.

My doc, who is taking no more new clients, has agreed, bless his heart, to see Brie. She’ll soon be on her way. She would not see him before, but now it’s gotten bad enough that she is willing. That’s how it goes. My heart is still a bit heavy today, even tho’ she’s called and is back to normal. It’s just not a fun thing and I’m sorry she has to deal with it too. There are many blessings to it tho and I cannot forget that. There is so much I’ve learned from having BPD that I probably wouldn’t have. Had to face a lot, and though it was hurtful, frustrating, etc., it helped me find my way. There’s always a silver lining. Some are just harder to see.

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*I do believe I just heard a snowplow go by. Normally a sound you get used to here-but not this year. Oh well, I’m still thinking (hoping) we get dumped on in March and April. If only so we’re not facing a terrible drought this summer.*

Now for my Logan update. *w* Now we blow raspberry’s at each other. He watches me, very intently, then works his mouth and tongue around a bit until he gets it. Yes, this is all this child truly has to do to thrill me. Pathetic, but hey, everyone needs someone to love them like this yes? Brie says that he never cuddles up to anyone like he does me. When I first get there we have to have our cuddle time where he puts his head into my shoulder and pulls his little fist up to his chin and stays that way for at least 5 minutes. She loves how contented he looks. Sighhhhhh. Last night it was brought home how one could feel great joy and great pain at the same time as I held Logan and comforted Brie. Life’s a funny thing.

I’m a bit unsettled today due to the fact that hubs and I had a little spat last night. After Brie called, he made a remark I didn’t like. I snottily informed him that just because he didn’t like Carl, and wished him gone-did not mean it hurt Brie any less to have troubles with him. Men. We exchanged a few more words, over this and that…why does it always grow into something else?! So when I left for Brie’s we were quite cool to each other, although he did apologize for sounding like he didn’t care that Brie was hurting.

When I got home, he’d hung the curtains in our room and my office that I had laid out to do today and done the misc. dishes in the sink. I thanked him and we chatted a little to catch up on the situation and then went to bed, cuddled up in our normal manner.

But I did not say I was sorry for snapping at him. I would not. Even though I knew I was wrong. Sometimes the word stubborn does not begin to describe me. Sigh. When it comes to my kids I can be so unforgiving it scares me.

As I wrote that I had to smile, ruefully, but a smile. No wonder I feel unsettled today.

Off to call hubs, apologize and get moving on my to do list. Funny how all of a sudden I feel just fine again.

A conscience is a terrible thing to ignore.

Ta