Marvelous Monday

For those of you who work out of the home (oh my see how properly PC I can be? *gag*), you are prob. cussing me out right now. But for me, I love Mondays. Chels is back at school and hubs is at work and I’M HOME ALONE!!

I can breathe, think, it’s quiet…Ahhhh. Sometimes I am full of energy, but others I’m moving slow. I don’t rest on the weekend usually. Besides I don’t fully rest unless I’m home alone, I mean the minute you sit down someone needs something right? *nods*

I’m moving slow today. Got all the decorations down and packed away except for odds and ends-which cover my DR table as I write. I’ll box them and finish this afternoon. How in the hell does my house get so dusty in one month?? Behind the tree, I had little ‘dust swags’ on my wall for the love of mike! ‘Course we have no SNOW so we do still have dust in January. Freaky. Don’t particularly like it. Although the lack of -20 temp.’s is not a hardship.

My depression has lifted, what’s left now is a slightly uneasy feeling re: Carl. I don’t imagine that will go away completely until he does or time passes. Brie does not trust him at all, and she just needs to accept that and let him go. Meanwhile, me being ‘mom’ will just have to say the Serenity Prayer and keep busy.

This whole thing brings up trust issues in myself. My trust in God, life, people…and I’m having to deal w/ them. Or rather will have to deal with them. I had a break from them for awhile and I’m grateful for that. I think that’s all I can hope for, I don’t believe lessons learned young, and learned hard, ever disappear.

The parallels between Brie and Carl, and myself and Brie’s bio father have raised demons I thought gone forever. Shit. I read, just last week, a sentence in a book. A mystery book, nothing deep or soul searching, but the sentence struck me. You know how that does? It said something along the lines of someone who’s been abused, never fully gets over it until they no longer believe the abusers opinion of them.

I still believe my ex husbands opinion of me is pretty low. And, when I thought of it, I realized it still bothered me…in fact still ruled me in some occasions.

I don’t even know for sure what he thinks of me, and if you’d have asked me a week ago, I would’ve said I could care less. Ha. Apparently that’s not true.

The reason it’s in my mind at all, I would guess is due to Brie/Carl. I mean of course. I’m dredging my memory trying to think of *what* it was that set me free of him and I was able to leave, so I can help Brie. Or help myself let go of that situation. It’s just so close, it’s hard NOT to identify w/ her.

But here’s the thing, I’ve found myself a couple times wanting to beg her not to piss Carl off. I’m scared to death of what he’ll do. So I’m scared a lot of the time. Is it pure projecting? No. But I loathe that feeling and I really loathe that my daughter is in the same spot. Or is she? It’s all so confused in my head at times, I just do not know.

It all makes me very sick to my stomach at times. This much I know. I thought I was over all that. Feeling that ‘scared, inferior, hopeless’ crap I fought so hard to get out of. Just because I didn’t *act* that way, doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it inside. I only ever did act/feel that way in front of my ex at times and I hate that and I hate him for that. And I hate the thought that Brie feels that way…or might feel that way. I HATE it.

I’ve talked w/ hubs about all this. Sobbed on his shoulder more then once…but I haven’t really addressed it other then that. It certainly looks like a bigger problem when I see it down here in black and white and I can understand why it’s been haunting me so.

It’s brought back many of my other fears that have been dormant. Such as Steve leaving. As they all do/have. I’ve also completely dropped out of our circle of friends. Dropping them before they can drop me, you see. It’s very rational in my mind or my subconscious I should say.

I’m trying to control my world again, no wonder I’ve been so tired.

I don’t think I thought I was cured, but I do think I thought I didn’t have to worry about that anymore, and so I didn’t think about it. Now here it’s crept up on me again and I feel myself holding tightly to some imagined grasp of control I have. Bargaining w/ God. Trying to do just the right thing. It’s very tiring. God does a much better job, why can’t I just let Him do it?

I must’ve thought He was slipping, and I’d guess it had to do w/ Brie and Carl and that situation. Why on earth would He put my daughter in that situation? The very same situation I’d fought so hard to get out of so many years ago? Obviously, He was just not paying attention here! And so I ‘took over’. Because I have that power. *snort*

At least I am finding some clarity as I write. It sure hasn’t made any sense in my head that last few months, I can tell you that. Of course I’ve raised more issues then I even knew about. Such as my exes opinion and the control that appears to have over me. Don’t misunderstand me, it’s not a basic “I want him to still like me”…I don’t care if he likes me, or if he thinks I’m a bitch-in fact bitch would be good, great! It’s the other or *something* to do with his abuse. I haven’t quite thought about that yet, just know it’s there. Perhaps even more to do w/ what I believe, more then he believes. And why bother? It’s just like any kind of violence done to you, if you or someone close to you is in that situation again, you want to be OVER it, not have those same fears control you again.

I know it is still controlling me for a couple reasons, I can now watch a rape scene in a movie or hear about it w/o freaking out one bit. Instead I simply feel pure rage, even more of a strength, that that would not happen to me again. It has no control over me anymore. And if I watch a woman being abused-sometimes I feel rage, but I still feel shame along with it. Or I hate her/me. Does that make sense?

I still hate me, blame myself rather then my ex then. Oh FFS. How can that be? How can one rationally KNOW what’s right/wrong, yet continue to feel in the old manner, after all that’s been learned?

I feel so uncertain and stupid, not pleasant. I’ve got to figure it out, so please, bear with me.

Con’t next page…