*blush* HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Hmmmm, a little late, but better late then never right? *w* Please pardon me, I’ve just been in my afterholidayrushrushrush slump. Lots of heavy sighs, much laying about and looking/feeling dejected.

Ok, maybe that’s a little exaggerated-but not much. I hate these little times, but have come to realize that if I’m going to run myself ragged-on the edge of mania as a matter of fact-not sleep, not eat right, stressed to the max, then this is what happens.

Some of this is also due to the age old letting go, which seems to go on and on, I’m finding out. The child moves out, on her own. Mother wails, sinks like a stone. Rallies. Begins again. Levels. Then said child needs help, and mother is needed again. Much happiness. Only to have to do the damn letting go process all over again when child is again, on her own. Then, it happens again…et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. (just watched The King and I).

Sigh.

You do have to admit tho’, that this situation has been a tad more involving-and give me a little self pity time. No? NO!? Well, shit. Ok, so I’m supposed to just be really happy that Brie is fine and confident w/ Logan and making her own life and not needing me (again!) and be glad I have all this extra time to … to…<—-see, right there, that's what gets me. Because I cannot balance well. Never been able to. All or nothing kind of girl, that's me.

I may not be making alot of sense. But I know you’re getting the gist, because we’ve been here before. *shakes head* Is this the way of all mothers/children? Mom had the right idea. She said we were all on our own at 18 and she was done. That looks harsh. But it wasn’t said that way. It was about the only thing mom stuck too, she was a marshmallow and gave us kids everything she had. But we knew she meant that. And we followed it.

I resented it at times. After I’d moved out and married and had kids. She rarely babysat, and only when they were older. Many times I would have loved to have her there to be sure. But I would have abused that privilege. I know I would have. If I’d have REALLY needed her, mom would’ve been there, this I knew. But I never asked. Today, I’m glad of that.

Looking back I think it got me, all of us,on our feet alot faster. We KNEW when we were 18, we had damn well be able to take care of ourselves. So we spent time before that, getting ready. In my case, I needed that shove.

What was I getting at here? Oh, yeah. So maybe it was easier for mom. *thinking* Yes. In many ways yes. In others, no. She knew I was desperately unhappy. Mom’s know that. But I admire her not trying to fix it. I try to fix it, w/ Brie.

She doesn’t want me to fix it, any more then I wanted mom to fix it. Whatever the it is, in this case, Carl.

The sonofabitch is getting out tomorrow and going to Brie’s to see Logan and then going to his moms later (yeah, right). Her and I were planning on doing errands, now she says Carl can watch Logan. I don’t WANT Carl watching Logan. Seeing Logan. Having a damn thing to do with Logan. And I KNOW that’s wrong and a bad attitude and I have no say. But that’s how I feel and I’m pissed off.

Yeah, yeah, I have the right to say how I feel and blah,blah,blahfuckingblah. But that won’t change anything. I do not want to be an overbearing, interfering mother now do I? No. I do not. Controlling, manipulative, yes, fine. *snort* Kidding, I’m kidding!

I’m just so damn upset over this. I told hubs that and he kinda smiled and raised his eyebrows, like “well, I told you Carl was a prick”… or that’s how I took it anyway, and I yelled at him that I didn’t need his “I told you so SHIT, and THAT’S why I can’t talk to him about this and…” Chipper ran under the table, and hubs told me he didn’t mean it like that and went to bed.

Sigh.

Hey, I warned you about the sighing.

So anyway, here I sit. Still kinda pissed at hubs. (I know he meant it like that) But we kissed goodnight and all is well. Chipper is out from under the table and he is fine too. I’m mad at myself more then anything.

In my mind, I think I make Carl out to be this monster. Then I see him, a skinny, rather immature kid-and the wind goes out of my sails. I’m still mad at him, but it’s not that terrible anger. I get so angry on Brie and Logan’s behalf, you know?

What hubs does not understand, when he gets angry and places the blame on Brie, for taking Carls shit-or forgiving him, I get pissed. Even if he’s right, I still feel I have to defend her. So obviously he and I have a hard time talking about this. It’s one of those ‘touchy’ subjects.

So I don’t talk about it at all. It simmers. Then it all comes out in a jumble here. Same old. Maybe if I had 5 kids or more, I wouldn’t have time to think or anything. Plus I’d be more nonchalant I suppose. But I have 2. And now a grandchild, who now I am all worried about just as when my own were infants. And Brie’s life is NOT calm and stable. It’d probably be diff. if that were the case too.

I’ll tell you something, I LONG for the day she finds her feet. Ha. That sounds funny. What I mean is I floundered about until I was about 21, and Brie was 1. Then I made the final decision to leave Brian, and I moved, and I “found my feet”. I was off and running.

Brie’s 19. That’s 3 years. Oy. I better calm down doncha think?

Time to look into that job or volunteering hey Sugar?

Maybe as time goes on, I’ll get the hang of this better. Be able to move smoothly through life. Yeah, riiiight.

You know what’s nice? Brie. She’s a lot nicer to me, then I would’ve been, or was w/ my mom. She’s patient and when I say things I have absolutely no right to say, she calmly states it will be ok. Or she gets worried I’m mad at her. (Yes, Brie, I think you taking charge of and living your life is WRONG!) Well? Isn’t that what I’m saying? But she’s calm. I was very defensive. Why isn’t she? I’m so glad she’s not, for whatever reason.

I know mom’s worry, and I’m finding out Grandma’s worry too. I guess that’s the norm huh? This is just a double whammy, because now I not only seeing Brie get hurt, my daughter who I am so proud of and is trying so hard, but now it’s Logan, that innocent little boy getting hurt too. Disappointed, let down. I can’t stand it I tell you.

My hope is, Brie will realize that too. She’ll have to realize it on her own and the hard way. Just as I did. And I am going to have to keep my mouth shut. Except for here. Lucky you. *w*

So what brought this entry on? This is what I did today: Nothing.

Why?: Tired/Worried. Felt like I was lugging a burden around.

I was exhausted. I’d gotten rest, 8 hrs. sleep or more, the last couple nights. But I was so tired I could barely move. Felt like I was walking through water. It wasn’t until that thought, the water, occured to me, that I realized I was depressed.

So I decided to treat myself to a day of nothing. I took a long bath this a.m., then read, watched tv, read, rested, talked to both girls on the phone. (Chels is staying at a friends.)

Con’t next page…