Bring back the sun.

For about 5 days we’ve had sunshine-after a stretch of 2 to 3 weeks w/o a sunny day. Not enough! Seems like lately I need that sun and bright days.

You all know the joy Logan brings me every day or minute that I think of him…but personally I seem to have lost my “spark”. Some of it I can ‘blame’ on the bipolar, some on stress and changes and what not. The rest? I don’t know.

Maybe it’s normal, perhaps in turning 40 my body did undergo some hormonal change. I don’t look any different but inside who knows what the ole bod does. I can’t seem to shake the overall feeling of meloncholy. I hate it.

It’s been easy to overlook it what with all the excitement over Logan’s birth and then having him here. *s* It would come and go, easy to push aside for love of my family. Easily explained from all the stress and Brie’s struggles.

I just have no direction -unless someone’s pointing me and I’m doing for them what they need. I feel useless. Have you ever felt that? Useless personally. It’s always bothered me,the fact that when I work my BPD goes whacko, so I don’t/can’t work. Again that was easily pushed under the psychological rug with being so busy being the mom of two schoolage girls. Now that’s all changed.

Brie’s moved out, has her own home, her own child and is starting her own life. Chels is 13 and very capable, intelligent and independant. Hubs is extremely busy in his own work and now I’m left wondering what the hell to do??? It’s not like I have bushels of free time here, not yet,but more then I had and also-this counts alot-I have TONS more free time in my head. Freed from the constant underlaying terror/dread/anxiety of the days when Brie was doing drugs and generally out of control. Freed from the stress of hubs self-employment and all the timeconsuming matters that go with that. Freed from just trying to make it day to day without going insane (when my BPD was not undercontrol).

Well…how does one live if not under constant stress and turmoil again? Heh. That sounds funny. I mean isn’t that what we all want when going thru’ times like that??? Life to be free of all the ‘shit’ so we can be happy again?

I think the thing is I don’t feel needed. Important. I know my children need me, my husband needs me-it’s not that, it’s me as a person. Does that make sense? It bothers me that work is an issue. I miss it yet am afraid to start up again. I always pick high energy jobs, busy and changing. Anything else is a nightmare, sucks the life out of me. My favorite job ever was receptionist for a huge firm in Mpls. I answered 700 to 800 calls daily, constantly directing them and knowing where all 40 of the office people were at any given time.

It’s, of course, a quick burn out job. Usually takes one year and you want to throw the phones right out the windows. Then switched to construction sec. then admin. asst. in the management end. I loved those also but the drive got to be ridiculous, taking 1-2 hrs/day, etc. Then I had Chels and then I became a stay at home mom. That was a high energy job too *w*! I’ve worked off and on since then, but that’s it. Nothing lasting.

To be honest, I hate this shit. I hate feeling like this and frankly have ignored it for as long as I can. It feels like whining-and I have nothing to whine about. Nothing. In reality my cup runneth over, so these niggling feelings of discontent and saddness just drive me up the wall. In fact, now that I’ve given it some thought, it’s where this entire jealousy thing came from over hubs and his office. I felt he looked upon his secretary-who is a mom and works full time-with more respect then he did me. He has told me that is simply not true, he thinks I am wonderful for the job I did with Brie and dealing with all that, plus my BPD,plus a million other things he names off. He says Tami does not have 2 children or one on drugs, nor does she have BPD nor does she have a husband that works and always has so much. I’m to quit thinking like that. *snort* So, anyway, if it’s not him (dammit)it’s me. I’M the one who doesn’t respect me or whatever.

And that just bites. Because then I’M the one who has to fix myself. I can’t make myself better for someone else or solve someone elses problems I have to do it for myself. And that just feels so narcissistic I shudder. I know it’s not, I would tell another woman she’s nuts for thinking it, that of course she must find her own personal happiness and in fact,is the only one that can. But there you have it, I’ve always been just terrible at taking my own advice.

Here is probably where I should break into song about how I’m so worth it and I gotta be me and all that. *L* It made me laugh, but I can assure you I have no such song going thru’ my head at this time. Oy. I’ve always been a hard sell.

So what I’ve been doing then, w/o thinking overmuch on it, is giving some thought to finding some work I can do at home. There are posters all over “Call this number to make 2-3000 a wk. in your own home”…however I have to say I’m rather skeptical. You could say downright unconvinced and roll my eyes when I see them. If that were true I can’t imagine why anyone would work out, you know what I mean? There’d be housewives singing in the street and flinging money madly about in all the stores. Not happening where I live.

So then I think “hmmmm, what is respectable and interesting work I could do out of my own home?” That’s where I falter-for one, I doubt I have brains anymore for that sort of work; for two, where the hell does one look? That I could find something I have no doubt,I’m great at research, but I would not know where to even start. So it’s a brief thought followed by saddness and then a burst of housecleaning or whatever to distract myself from it.

I cannot tell you how sick of housework I am.

I’ll tell you what else I really, intensely miss. What makes me ache if I let myself dwell on it. It is the loss of my creativity. I cannot do what I used to do and that is a fact. I can do so much more, yet that hole is yet to be filled.

The danger to a lot of Bipolars is just that, when you are diagnosed and put on the meds to regulate your out of control brain-you calm and life becomes manageable and beautifully peaceful. The drawback is you lose your marvelous creativity that’s evolved from years of trying to live normally. Many bipolars chose to live w/o the medicine-there are famous actors, painters, composers, musicians of all kinds. One guy cut off his ear-you may know of him. *w* They’d rather be “crazy” and have that ability.

I don’t have that luxury. I am a wife and mother and I can’t possibly NOT take my meds. I am so thankful for them as a matter of fact-yet, oh, I miss what I “used” to be able to do.

***Cont’d next pg.***