Playing Doctor…

How many eyebrows did I raise w/ that title? *L* That’s what I decided to do, although it’s my med doc I’m imitating.

My anxiety has gone off the charts so this morning I upped my own dose of Celexa. I had my first panic attack night before last and do not want a repeat of that, thankyouverymuch. *shudder*

I did call him but couldn’t get in until Nov. 4. So I called Lorrie, saw her and felt I could wait it out-but my anxiety kept crawling up and up. Damn I hate this. So anyway, this a.m. I upped my dose.

I know, I am NOT supposed to, definitely not. But it’s not a huge jump and I’ve done it before, it’s just from a half tablet to a full tablet. And I will, of course, still go to the med doc on Nov. 4. I just cannot, will not feel like this one more day. The only time I feel “ok” and normal is when I’m with Logan. Then I’m at peace and happy and calm. But Brie won’t let me have him. Brat. *w*

Speaking of Logan, (you knew I’d get around to that), he is just wonderful. Growing so fast. He’s already grown out of some clothes, little bugger. I still see him every day, it’s a must. And so far Brie hasn’t told me ENOUGH MOTHER. Heh. I usually stop in when she wants to take a shower, and she is very considerate in that she waits until he’s wide awake for me. Then I watch him while she gets ready. I love it. 🙂 Every day he does something new. He looks so much like Brie did at that age, when we hold her baby pic up to him, they look like twins. He still “talks” a blue streak-the child is just munchable I tell you. More pics soon.

Thank God we have him. I do not know what I’d do. Well I’d have called the doc again and stressed emergency, I can tell you that. I don’t know what happened. I’m guessing my hormones whacked out when I turned 40. It is such a pain the butt to be a woman at times. I cannot sit still for any length of time-thus I’ve not been on here for days. I try, I come in, sit down, but minutes afterwards my stomach starts aching and I’m “crawling” with anxiety. I can’t think of anything at length-I start worrying or imagining or whatever. I get these little “film clips” in my head constantly. They just pop in there like a commercial, coming from nowhere. Most of the time they are commercials from a horror show. It’s very tiring fighting them.

I talked to hubs last night, and then my sis called and we chatted about it a bit, so this morning I feel better. I tend to keep it all in. Explaining it makes one feel like a crazy person, as you can imagine. This is “normal” for Bipolar and me, but otherwise…uh, no.

Talking about things helps, but every little thing is magnified or just imagined-cooked up in my crooked little brain waves. For instance I’ll see the girls, or hubs in an accident or something, the whole scenario plays out in a second-over and over. You can imagine the one’s over Logan. God in heaven. I just want to smack my head against the wall and knock whatever’s out of whack back into focus. I’ll have my husband having an affair, or Carl freaking out on Brie and Logan…I snap right back, but each time takes something out of me-and they can be constant, overriding and come out of nowhere. I literally flinch away from them. What in the hell did people do way back when? When there was no diagnosis or meds? They died in a “nuthouse” after living an intolerable life. My heart aches for them. My great grandmother was one…did I ever say that before? She died in a mental hospital, in her 50’s. God Bless Her.

These are not normal thoughts nor do they make me insane, but unchecked and unexplained? I would be. I do not like even talking about the symptoms, unless it’s with a doctor who understands it. But yet, when I do, it helps me to realize myself, that they are simply symptoms. Magnified from others…but not crazy. It’s easy to feel alienated at times. I can pretend I feel normal, and all is well-I’m just “tired”, that becomes my catchphrase. It’s very easy to fool people that all is well.

I’m slowly catching up with everyone, but I gotta get moving right now so I’ll have to finish up later.

TTFN. {{{hugs}}}