Absence Explained…with TMI
While not original, I found the following too funny not to share. It’s an extract from a buddy’s email explaining why we have not heard much from him for a while.
Disclaimer: If listening in to dialogue you would hear in a boys’ locker room offends you, read no further.
****************************
“Good news and bad news: The good news is I’ve seen twice the pussy this past week than I normally do. The bad news is it has been all my mother’s.
Since I doubt few, if any of you know, I’ve been absent for awhile because my mother is in the middle stages of Alzheimer’s and her decline has resulted in moving her in with me for awhile until I could get her a place of her own.
The past few weeks have been as if she thinks she’s in a casting call for Basic Instinct 3…..but with a huge gray-haired bush shrouding a floppety old beaver. If I could have bathed my eyes in bleach, it would have been a more pleasant experience. Though I have no recollection of every having an Oedipus Complex, I’ve never felt further from it. I’m dry-heaving merely typing these words. If any of you gentlemen can recommend a good psychiatrist/hypnotist to help me suppress some of these memories from my conscious mind, I’d appreciate it. In the meantime, I’ll be relying on the usual assistance from Dr.
Jack Daniels.
I don’t think my kids were exposed to any views of their grandmother’s snatch, but if they have, they’re not talking about it. I recall it took my brother Brad several years before he felt comfortable disclosing his harrowing experience chasing an action figure under my grandmother’s sister’s night gown when he was only 9 years old.
But at least my mother’s lack of awareness of her unpolished and amateurish Sharon Stone moments taught us that we need to confiscate any skirts or dresses that are of a risky length to remove any advantage her carefree attitude offers her when competing for the attention of the few men at this new place she’ll be staying.”
Holy Mother of Gougethyeyesout!
Warning Comment
I don’t even know what to say. I am reminded of when my own mother, in declining health, had me help her to the bathroom on one occasion not long after her invalidity. I helped position her on the commode and moved a respectful distance away, looking out the window while she urinated. I heard her make no tinkling noises so chanced a glance at her face. She caught my eyes, as she sat there so still and studiously, and said to me, “I’m poopin’.” Holymotherofgougemyeardrumsout!!!!!!!!!! Yes. I can relate.
Warning Comment
remember this when your time comes and your kids have 1-800-nursinghome on speed dial 🙂
Warning Comment
You are so funny! Love it!
Warning Comment
that’s a retina burn that won’t ever go away!
Warning Comment
Oh.my.
Warning Comment
sick. haha
Warning Comment
Yes, too much info. Gotya laugh or you will cry. She actually sounds like she is having a good time. Remember, what is the alternative? At least you still have her in your life. Take care,
Warning Comment
Yes, we’ll need to change and I am not sorry to see the SUVs taking a hit. The other night Jay Leno said that the price of gas was so high in LA that one or two people have actually been spotted using the mass transit system! Not sure what mangled thing you were referring to. To the right of the lamp is a plexiglass sculpture, to the left is my lovely purse with the computer sleeve leaningagainst it. 😛
Warning Comment
How is it that everything you say sounds dirty?!?!?!?! 😀
Warning Comment
RYN: First time I went to Mardi Gras, I had so many beads on my neck I could hardly move my head. LOL. That was SOOOO liberating, let me tell you. It was especially fun because Husband was with me and approved…hell, he’d say “Oh! Look at those beads! Those are cool! Get those! Here, I’ll hold your drink.” ah yes Mardi Gras. Good times.
Warning Comment
I dont know whether to laugh or apologize. ryn: Where’s the party starting??!!
Warning Comment
ryn: Thanks so much! Oooh,,this visual is now playing relentlessly, like Seasons in the Sun only with scary floppy beaver’s on the beach..
Warning Comment
I feel for ya’, honey. I saw my Paw Paw’s wiener several times and had to change his diapers many times when he has Alzheimer’s and the saddest thing about it was that he did not even care. God rest his precious soul. (HUGS to YOU)
Warning Comment
Some fifteen years ago I came home from work to find my son ashen and quite shaken. I finally got him outside where he would talk with me and asked him what was the matter. “Mom….I saw grandma naked today.” He was never quite right after that.
Warning Comment
I can NOT help but laugh my butt off at this, I worked many years on a locked alzheimers unit and some of the stuff I caught some of my residents doing was mind boggling to say the least! Not a care in the world and not a care as to who seen them! Ya gotta love it!
Warning Comment
RYN: Nuh uh!!!! Nuh uh. No way. Nuh Uh!!!!
Warning Comment
ryn: Thanks..yeah,,I agree.
Warning Comment
Very well put…”The Specialness of Not.” I like it very much. Thanks.
Warning Comment
Are you calling me a dirty girl? A true lady doesn’t sweat 🙂 ha ha Yes – my nicer suit might not work out. I may be stuck with a less nicer one! That’s okay – the client could surely care less what I wear since I’m just the summer clerk Thanks for your notes recently – it has been wonderful to get encouragement and advice from fellow OD writers Grandma’s private place = definite TMI
Warning Comment
Hey be glad she’s still alive. Many people’s family are dead. Besides, it’s just a body part. We’re all human and we all age. One day, your ass will be saggy and old. 😉 so will mine…so will everyone’s. (I used to work as an RN at a nursing home…so I can totally relate but really, be glad she’s still alive.)
Warning Comment
Yeah – about that boys locker room – how do we get in there again?
Warning Comment