The Honey Wagon

Pressure. Too much pressure. Required to “think fast” in order to take advantage of a truly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I mean, really, when you read below (for those who dare to), most would admit this opportunity – this unique circumstance – is worth documenting in and of itself…without addendums. However…any chance to make it even more entertaining still could not be passed up.

With that, written below is a quick email conversation among long time friends.

WARNING: Be advised that if you continue reading, you become the proverbial fly on the wall in the boys’ locker room…the very same location where the terms “lewd” and “crude” originated. If such is likely to offend your delicate sensitivities then you should stop here and move to higher moral ground. If you read on, however, then I invite you to play along and perhaps I can report back to them what he “should have” used instead.

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Chuck: Hey guys – I need some help quickly. I’ve got to pick up an examining table complete with stirrups that a clinic in Ft Walton Beach is donating to the organization Mary works for. I’ll have it sitting in the bed of my truck in full view for the ride down US 98 from Ft Walton to Pensacola. I think what I need is a sign to put on my truck, “Pap Smears on Wheels” or something to that effect. Any ideas?

Walt: Shit I don’t know, but what’s the name of that organization that Mary works for? I’ve got some spare time on Monday and Thursday. I even have some rubber gloves.

Chuck: It’s called Safe Harbor – they counsel women after they’ve been with guys like us. I had another idea for a sign on my truck … “Dr. Chuck at Your Cervix”

Me: Should not have told him. There is no telling where those rubber gloves have been.

Chuck: No shit – I haven’t seen his rubber gloves, but I’ve seen the Velcro gloves he wears when he finds a flock of sheep.

Me: And I’ve seen those rubber shrimping boots he wears to stick their hind legs into too. Try these out:

“Honk If You’re Hot”
“Vaginal Vehicle”
“Meals on Wheels”
“Hymen Hauler”
“G-Spot G-Ride”
“You Spread ‘Em – We Thread ‘Em”
“This Vehicle Fully Equipped for Tail (gaters)”
“Don’t Laugh. Gets Me More Action Than Your Lame-Ass Pick-Up Line.”

Chuck: No long words, this is Lower Alabama you know. I’m outta here…

Me: Oh yeah. Kinda narrows it down to: “Me Like Pussy” then eh? Last one then: “CAUTION!! I Brake for Beavers.”

Chuck: THAT’S IT!! OK – I’m off to practice Mobile Groinocology.