Social Unconsciousness
I have a co-worker and friend here whom I have known for over eight years – since she worked for us part-time as a college student worker. Tiffany and I hit it off right away because of her biting sarcasm and our duels of wit entertained (or shocked just as good) all within earshot as well as us. Although we are pretty verbally merciless toward one another most of the time, we are close. In her mid-twenties, she is the age of my own children and we often tease one another about our own father/daughter-like bond.
I have a great deal of respect and admiration for her. Her own father was a cocaine addict who committed suicide when she was in high school. Despite his addiction, she loved her father dearly and was (and remains) one of the greatest victims of his crime. Despite this, and the role she was forced to assume as head-of-family because of her mothers incompetence (and a substance abuse problem as well I think), she graduated as Valedictorian from her high school. She finished her college degree and began working here right away, still caring and providing for her two younger teenage siblings (both of whom she loves and dotes over) and her mother. Not long ago, she entered graduate school and takes classes at night toward a Masters in Public Administration. She is one of the top workers in our organization, known for her intelligence and positive attitude. She is very attractive and consistently dresses in impeccable business attire.
Yesterday Tiffany stopped by my office as she usually does at least once a day. Sometimes for no other reason than to try to demean me in some joking way, and at other times to tell me whats going on in her life (typically to get a male perspective on whomever shes dating at the time). Yesterday it was the latter. She told me she thought it time she moved out of her mothers house and bought her own. Her siblings are (recently) out on their own now and her mother is driving her crazy. Typical. And its time. Then she informed me it was very difficult for her to find the right place. My first thought went to financial considerations, but that was pretty much dismissed with another read of her face. I thought a moment and then said,
You mean a place that is not in the hood where you have to keep your head down all the time for the drive-bys, but also where you would not have burning crosses in your front yard.
Exactly! she replied.
Tiffany is black.
Our city is like most most in the South especially. There are two sides of town pretty much with a small percentage of exceptions. We discussed our lovely Garden District here that separates the two sides. Architecturally unique homes probably built in the 40s and 50s with mature tree-lined boulevards. Most have been refurbished and many more in the process. It is not only one of the prettiest areas of town, it is also beautifully and fully integrated with a myriad of races and cultures enjoying the same sidewalk restaurants, shops, and coffee shops as friends and neighbors. Hopefully it defines the future of our city and others. A favorite area of young professionals, it is also very expensive. Much more than Tiffany can afford.
That conversation occurred about eighteen hours ago, but I cant get it out of my mind. At first I was just saddened by her predicament and sympathized with her. Then I got angry. I got angry at myself. Ive always taken great pride in not being racially prejudice and raising my children in that same vein. And that is just what it is. Pride. My pride. Its all about me. Arent I just wonderful for not being prejudice? Look at me! Look at my kids!
No. Instead look at Tiffany and those like her. Despite her hard-fought significant accomplishments and promising future, she lives with bullshit barriers every day. Bullshit barriers that never impacted me (because Im fabulously non-prejudice) so existed somewhere out there in that other world where all bad things exist that have nothing to do with me. But now it does have something to do with me and it makes me sad and it makes me angry. A friend of mine. A surrogate daughter. A person I greatly admire and respect. Faces bullshit barriers every day and has all her life.
One other time she shared with me too that she has always had a difficult time growing up in a black community because she is quite light-skinned. Too light-skinned for the likes of some of her darker peers. So she was (and is) often ridiculed for that.
And you know what? She accepts all of that. Throughout this conversation (and others that have touched upon race), she was not angry; she was not sad. She is not bitter. She is quite matter-of-fact about all of it. Thats just the way it is. Its engrained in her daily living. She deals with it.
But that aint right.
No, sadly it’s not right but the south is slow to change. I hope she finds a place that fits her just right and is safe. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this but I really like you.
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I bet you can help her find a house. As for the rest, she seems to be hauling that burden around with grace. I pray that it will grow lighter and lighter for her and everyone else. No, it certainly isn’t right.
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Hey, maybe we can move her mom and my mom in together. Sounds like they deserve each other.
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It truly IS sad, and sometimes we forget how often this kind of thing slaps some people in the face. I’m proud to say that most of the neighborhoods in my little town and quite comfortably integrated, although we still have fairly intolerant and poor whites-only or blacks-only enclaves here and there around town. Maybe it’s because we’re a university town?
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I understand that. Prejudice exists within every culture, though. Here in the Southwest, we are very progressive ratially, but I do remember a time in Tennessee when my (then) significant other and I couldn’t find a place because we had his half-black niece with us. I was so shocked and sickened…we can’t find a place due to Roger’s background..never mind the “current-ground”, which is fine.
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Sometimes I feel so… sheltered… living in the great liberal malaise of California. The black side and white side of town never even enters my mind… Does that make me naive or stupid?
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Bullshit barrier’s is right! Ridiculous that anyone should have to consider things in that light!
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You are quite a guy Phaedrus, to even be able to see things this way when you are a white man from the south. Tiffany sounds like an incredible woman! *Hugs*
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I can understand why Tiffany would be drawn to you and you to her. Both of you are exceptional people who recognize bullshit barriers. You’re good for each other. Sending Tiffany best wishes and hopes for her new house filled with peace and love and no bullshit barriers. LWM 143
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i love it when folks say they aren’t prejudiced..we all are; over something; from an accent to what clothes are worn, we ALL make instant assumptions. it’s a human trait and those that claim otherwise are kidding themselves the most. hope she finds a residence soon..
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wow. I really enjoyed seeing the deep serious side of you. I’m impressed. truly. makes you that more attractive.
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no it isn’t right, it’s craziness.
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since moving to NYC, i am colorblind, mostly.
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ryn: you think there’d still be shrinkage in the steam room? so hot in there, i’d think it’d actually make him look bigger!
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A thought provoking entry, for sure. I definitely wish our society were more color-blind. I’m lucky with where I grew up and never noticed it much, but last year’s trip opened my eyes a bit to the non-tolerance of the rest of the country.
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ryn: *blush* You should be very afraid…Gym Rat and I have discussed the possibilities of coming to visit you some day.
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ryn: binoculars are a great idea! i will keep that in mind.
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Boob contest diary is Alyx.. I could have sworn you had a picture entry in one of her contests before.
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RYN: ahhh so you’re a well traveled cracker 😀
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Helluva entry buddy. Relate to your self-anger;frustration. Had this slap me in the face a few times. Cocky about our broad mindedness aren’t we? ha. Really have no clue; bout time we admitted it. In a healthy way. The whole light/dark-skin thing is something I’m learning about. Having a horrible time trying to understand… Not like the blonde/brunette battle I’m used too 😉
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Very well written entry… and I can so feel Tiffany’s dilemna… it is not dissimilar to a close friend of mine who is also black, very well educated and feels “caught in the middle” in many ways. RYN: sweet it is! I truly feel contented, certain and happy. now if I can just get the other aspects of my life together!
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RYN: Beth is my assumed name I use to check into hotels, silly…
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ryn: Thank you! I’m hoping my Mother’s Day will start with a bang!
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RYN: Well, then, why do we call a pair of pants a pair of pants although it is clearly one item? Yes, there are two legs, but we don’t call a shirt a pair of shirts. Ah, the vagueries of the English language. Now I’ll go back and read what looks like a very interesting entry.
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You’re damn right it ain’t right. We all have a long way to go before we get right about the issue of race. At least we are working on it, Phaedrus. I just wish everyone was. Your friend sounds like a great gal. I wish her the best.
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I am surrounded by people with a multitude of Backgrounds, Ethnic Heritages, and Life Style choices. Yet it never seems to amaze me how one can complain about being discriminated on. Then turn around doing it themselves. I applaud you for keeping your head straight on that subject!
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You’re a good man, Phaedrus. There is a bank in Chicago and Arkansas that is doing some fine work with situations like this. Founded by 4 people – 2 white and 2 black — in the 1970s. They make loans available in one neighborhood at a time (generally neighborhoods in decline) to people who will live there and fix up the houses. They create integration with the loans but do not (c)
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(c) uppify the neighborhood. They do this by keeping the seller prices down (not making a loan if the price is too high). It is a revolutionary tool. It sounds like your friend is capable of starting a branch of this bank in your home town. If you want more info about contacts drop me a note. And thanks for you comforting notes about Cosmo. Love,
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RYN and then this entry: Yes, you should see this movie. Although it may just contribute to your sadness and anger. But you will still appreciate it, I’m quite sure.
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you’re right on target here. it was a pleasure to meet you tonight. (note hopped from Pelican.) Thank you.
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No, it isn’t. No one should be taunted or discriminated against because of their color or country of origin in this country. Caucasians are rapidly becoming the minority, and soon those that discrimiate are going to learn a big lesson. I feel for her, and hope that she finds a nice soft, safe place to call her home. 🙂 Love you, Phae.
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I’m saddened that things have not changed all that much in many places of our country. I grew up in the North, and things are not all that different here, either. My father, I’m ashamed to say, was a bigot and prejudiced. I tried twice as hard not to be..so we were always butting heads. God Bless you…and Tiffany. Take care.
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This is a terrific entry.
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It ain’t right at all. Tiffany does, however, have a lot going for her not least of which is a friend like you.
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hey.. where are you??
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ryn: were you ever a huge fan of SPAM to begin with?
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A very moving story, thanks for sharing. She sounds like a strong woman with a good friend. Sometimes, one good friend is all you need. As far as the deep south goes, it’s here but it’s also there and there and there, just not as obvious as it is here.
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Hey where have you been? You’ve been missed! Thanks for the encouraging note.
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ryn: *GASP* but…they’re just babies…
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Where you is, smartypants?
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ryn: Of course I cook!! And I’ve been told I’m pretty good at it too!! lol Spread the word…. ;o)
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you totally disappear for nearly two months and KABOOM suddenly the smart ass notes appear??? comeon – i DEMAND an entry and explanation for your absence.
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ryn: actually I did return the favor…he made me *evil laugh*
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Well THERE you are..was wondering if you got lost in the bayou…
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My ex is black. And I grew up in Chappaqua, New York, wasp capitol of the world. Chappaqua meets Chicago. Need I say more? 😉 I. Learned. A. Lot. Many years of happiness, though. Fantastic entry. xxoo,
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RYN~No fuckin’ way. Glad to see you around again! 😉
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RYN: EWWW…she’s not MY girlfriend..If I were to select a woman for that type of relationship, redeeming qualities would be a must. In these, she (the boss’s girlfriend, btw) is extremely underdeveloped. As for nose, she’s got way too much for anyone’s own good.
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You said – what I was trying to say a couple of days ago – but much, much better. You made it real.
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I moved to the South after being a California girl all my life. I was and still am amazed at the racial issues here. It’s almost like the South is stuck in some time warp and won’t change…
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