For My Own Good

 

Guess I should be updating this for my own good.

Monday 22nd of September

Matt and I went to the hospital for our scan to see how my follicles are coming along. Right side was looking strong at 10.5mm and the left at 10mm. Only one strong follicle on each side and we where told that wasn’t to good. That there should be more, but personally I was very happy with it. I went to Adelaide for 3 days to simply take my mind of everything and not think about babies and pregnancy in the hope that no stress meant some good looking follicles.

Thursday 25th of September

I went back to the hospital this morning for a re scan to see how the follicles are coming along. Seems I now have over 5 follicles on each ovary. Largest on the right side coming in at 12.5mm along with some 10mm and 9mm. Left coming in at 12mm with some at 10mm and 8mm. The doctor wasn’t to pleased with this, and now seems to think that all my follicles could grow to big and the chance of twins etc is now higher. Now they don’t want to do anything to more because, yep you guessed it my  pre term no larbour pregnancy.  Just because Callum was early I have now been put into the "high risk" ohh no your body couldn’t handle twins because you had a premmie.

I just want to rip out my hair, I really do. I never even had any larbour or anything with Callum. I went to hosptial that night because I simply didn’t feel him move most of the weekend and I was just had in my head something was wrong and I was right, there was something wrong. I even said to the Doctor if you don’t believe me read my file and you will see, read the notes from his birth. I’m starting to think that maybe it’s just easier to lie and say oh no I went full term.

Now all I heard was "There is a very high chance that this cycle will now be cancelled."

By the time I got to the car I was in tears. I walked out with my needles, and I had to go all the way back in and ask for them. I just feel like a mess. Why can’t we just do clomid, where there is some mystery and some romance left in it for us. Ever since getting home this morning I have just been feeling like shit. As a woman I feel I have really failed myself. The worst part is knowing right now, I have eggs growing inside my body, they are almost babies to me. So many of them and there is nothing I fear that I can do anything to help save them and bring them out to life. I’m guessing my Monday my biggest Follicles will be in the 15mm stage maybe almost 16mm with the second one not far behind it and they go ahead and cancel this cycle in the fear that main dominant follicle will release along with my other follicles, Oh and that well I simply just can’t have twins or anything ya know because I’m so high risk.

I would give anything just to feel the happiness and joy of having a Whoops! baby…….

Whoops as in…."OMG I’m pregnant, how the bloody hell did that happen…???"

Rescan is Monday…29th of September…..I really don’t know what is going to happen.

 

** Just to add while writing this I could feel both of my ovaries twitching and growing, first it was the right and then the left, it’s like they have no idea what is happening.

*** I even got to the point where I didn’t feel like cooking tonight. Yep me, me out of all people not wanting to cook 🙁 That’s how sad I’m feeling. I didn’t even want to make dinner, nor cook anything. My real stress release is cooking, but truely would be better if I had Matt around to eat my cooking, or heck maybe I should just have a sign out the front saying "free meals" at least then I get that fulfillment of watching someone, anyone enjoy my cooking. Oh sigh, but I did go make chocolate mousse at 9.30pm so I know that my mood is getting better.

**** Yes I must be starting to feel better, it’s a new day and I have worked out what we will be having for tea, but yet it’s friday and that means better homes and gardens is on tonight. Dinner will be Pasta Carbonara. Real style hot pasta to cook the egg sauce.

 

and yes I really am that much of a nerd….

 

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Say no more