The Results

Today seems like it was a day for waiting. Do you ever feel that sometimes all you do is wait? But what are you waiting for? Does it ever really make any sence to us why we are waiting? I personaly feel like I do a lot of waiting. I’m not the worlds most patient person and I have things at my fingers tips and we all know that I love to be in control and know every minute what is going to happen. Right now I feel so out of control and that to me is the most scary feeling that I can have. But this me personaly and no one else, it’s just how I feel.

I also believe that we choose a life, and this is my card that I have picked but yet here I am questioning myself what the hell have I choosen? Did I simply say you need to learn how to be patient? Maybe it’s how to learn to let go of control? I know I picked this path for an amazing reason but what I don’t understand is how do I know that I am on the right track. Maybe I just need to let go of what I have done. I’m forgiving what I’ve done.

I have no control over getting pregnant, I can help it along and put us both in the right place at the right time, heck I can make my body ovulate on control, but yet I don’t have any control over the true making of a new life. I can go to reiki, and have a 1000 non stress massages, and do lots of yoga. I can stop thinking about it, and go to work to ease my mind. BUt still I have no control. And I’m scared. Big time. This is just a flood of emotions that I felt over 6 years ago now, how did I deal with this time? I don’t think I did, I think I just put it in the back of my mind. I know just before Callum’s pregnancy I didn’t write as much, because when I go back there isn’t to much and now Im really wishing that I had of got thoses feelings down in my diary. But alas I don’t think I could have. I was to young mind to be able to see that its control not just emotional.

Matt’s tests came back and his sperm isn’t any better, so now I have opped for IUI cycles. That need for control to know that I am ovuating to see my follicals growing and how many we have. Now the idea of over stimulation and twins seems like a better idea, maybe this will be my last time. But yet I have no idea, my mind and heart tells me I know will push and push even if I have three follicals because that is just me.From what I can understand I should have some paper work in the mail this week.The doctor rang while I was at work and she ended calling back on my work line which in itself after her giving me the results had tears in my eyes and I had to remind myself that I was at work. I think i’ll have to ring back and get her to call me again. I just need to hear it again but the goal is, maybe it’s just easier if I go in to see her. Arhh!!