8/24/08

I’m feeling a bit lost and weak today. Well the today is almost over and the new day is only minutes away but I still feel empty. Matt has left and gone back to work so I know a part of my feelings is from that, the other is the longing and that settled inside of me. I remember feeling like this before Callum and it just hurts. I’m still so mad at myself and my body that I just can’t get pregnant natually. I feel like I have failed myself time and time again. I don’t think about it everyday but I know it’s in there in the back of my mind. So today was just a bad day for it. We are still waiting to hear back from the Doctor about Matt’s tests too. He has promised me he would ring tomorrow and find out where they are and what is happening. Plus I need to find out where my meds are! Grrr to the doctor that didn’t have anything done when we went on Tuesday. I know I would feel somewhat better if I had something in my hands, if I had the meds, my god if I just had something….Ohh thats it I’ll have to ring tomorrow I dont think I can wait any longer.

I did start to have a look around for some support groups, just something to help me along while I’m on my own and seeing that Matt is away this time. Im nervous about going on my own and I don’t really feel like I have anyone to ask to come with me. So I feel stuck. I guess I just need to work myself up into going at the moment.

Talk about hollow. There is no way to describe it. You know that you have done everything right.

Followed the rules and yet Mother Nature decided that today was not the day.

I can’t say I feel sorrow nor disappointed.

I can’t say I feel loss nor resentment.

I can’t say I feel angry nor cheated.

I just feel empty.