4/15/05

 I had a really emotional day today. Evil people in the world who get off on making other people upset. 

I wasn’t going to write much, but now that I’m here, I want too.

Matt’s Boss is being a Jerk to him, and it’s not just him but also his
whole family. So Matt feels really emotional, I’m emotional 24/7 so
it’s not helping. They have there noses out because we are moving. This
sounds so up myself, but I know we the heavenly teants they have
dreamed of. FYI – Last people here where big time Jerks, didn’t pay
rent, where growing drugs etc. If your boss says to you “Rent my house,
at a cheap rate”. Dont do it. Really I mean it. We want to move on, I
want my house so we have more room for a family and new babe that Im
longing for.. So we did everything right, hold them almost 8 weeks
before our “move date”, which we moved forward so that the new people
could move in ASAP.

In the two years that Matt has worked for him, he has loved it, up till
2 weeks ago.  The people next door are the neighboures from hell.
I mean it and they don’t even live there yet. The building is drving me
nuts. One night S showed up at my door step, wanting to know who on
earth kicked in her back door. We went home the period that this
happened and she blamed me because of it happening. Just because my
kitchen window looks stright into there shitty back door. In the end I
had a laugh because she had put on a little weight and her fly was
undone . So the laugh was on her.

Later on down the months, she hired a fence comp to come out and put up
a new fence at the front between the two houses. Thats Cool. They
walked all over my plants, wanted to use my power and water. Which I
wasn’t happy about. Anyway, I called M to tell her to come over
because, I know they had some problems with S as S believed M owed her
4 ins of land. I believed I was doing the right thing and letting her
know. So everything is all cool.

So now that we are moving a couple came tho the house and asked about
next door and I told them the truth. S is a little SOB. I’m sorry but I
couldn’t lie about it. I can’t count on my fingers anymore all of the
things  S has done to us.  Thats a whole new story. Anyway,
at work On Monday J goes right thru Matt because Of something I said.
MInd you he never had the Balls to call me. Yet all he did that day was
bad mouth me to Matt. Matt  would  never  badmonth M in
front of J.  Hell thats his wife. Come on. So I rang him and gave
him the chance to “blow some steam”. Didn’t really work. I didn’t get a
word in.

So as time goes on, poor Matt gets hell at work and he is so ready to
walk out the door. What really upset me was what J said to Matt. That
all we do is take and take and take and sometimes we have to give a
little. J then starts going on at all the things he has done for us. I
know that they have helped us out. I am really thankful of what they
have done. What shits is that its been 50/50. When they moved work
spots I asked Mum and Dad if J could use the Vans, and Matt is always
up at there house working on the computers, as both kids have the
internet in their bedrooms. Who was the one who networked the house for
them? And never asked for cent. Or the night that Matt sat up till
midnight tring to get J’s new PDA to work because is broke his old one.
There are a lot more, like the time I let M use Mum’s Amex , via Paypal
to order things of the internet. I don’t  want to sound 
selfish and say well look what we did….because I feel that I shouldnt
have too IYKWIM?  These where things that we did out of kindness.

So after yesterday with the nosey lady and kids, J said something to
Matt about that and how I lied to him and that I’m selfish and that I
lost them two lots of people to rent the house. Kiss my ASS.
J fires up about the price is right, FYI – Matt took a sicky when he
wasn’t. Anyway M and A where peed because I didn’t ask the mto come
along and because I didn’t tell them that we where going. I really
liked these people. I really did. But I have a life out of them. I got
the tickets, and I didnt know who to asked. A friend of mine Kristy,
her dad found out that he has cancer and needed to have a OP and have
his Kidney taken out. I was hoping that for just a couple of hours, she
could relax and enjoy herself. 

Anyways – So I rang M tonight and asked if she was pissed, and she said
no, but what she was really pissed of about  was that I was shitty
at evil and wouldnt let her see the main bedroom. Now did I tell you
that I rang eveil LAdy and told her if she wanted to, she was more then
welcome to back once the rain stopped (as it was raining) and Callum
was awake to see the main bedroom. M fired up at me about that. Matt
was in the loo and came out because all he could hear was M screaming
down the phone at me. I ened up putting her on loud so and Matt sat
with me. He couldn’t believe how rude she was.  I couldnt
too.  She just screamed and screamed. Finally she let out a “you
take and take and take, you have to give a little”and told me that she
me on loud so that J could hear what I had to say. So I asked her,
“what I have Taken M? I would really like to know”. She couldnt come up
with anything. It was quite after 16 minutes of her yelling at me. Then
a “Ohhhh dont you go playing mind games with me girly”.

What mind games??? Then tells me that I always make myself the victim
and no wonder why my father would hit me. She firmly believes that
people who have drepression are weak and faking it.  Sorry I know
that right know I do sound like a victim. Hell I feel like one know. I
bearly got any words in. In the ended I said, “I hope that made you
feel better to get it off your chest”.Then asked if they could met us
here on Monday the 25th to a walk tho to hand back the keys etc.
Because I dont want to hear in 2 months time that we left the house
messy.

I am so over people. If you knew me IRL, I don’t let people talk to me
like that. Normally I snap back. But I just feel so weak. I dont have
the snappy in me. I guess that can make it a little better, but why do
people think that they can talk to me like that? I dont know why.

I feel like Im in a bad dream and never going to wake up. There is just
too much on my plate right now and I give up.  this must be apart
of a gloomy time. I just want to move and want Matt to leave his Job,
so that we get away from people like that. A second part of me just
wants to stand up to them, but I feel like I will end feeling gloomy
because I had to put on my bitchy hat.

*deep breath, In and out*

So to make myself feel better, I bought Callum some wool soakers. My
Burts Bees arrived on  Tuesday or was it Wednesday?, anyway I
think tomorrow ill have a nice bath, deep breaths and try to be
positive and ask for some real friends that arn’t mean and understand
depression. A book I ordered Contacting your spirit guide by Sylvia
Browne arrived today aswell.  Right now Im fighting this without
any Meds and have been going strong. I feel so weak and lost. Not only
this, but in everything.  No wonder I cry all the time.

i’m off to bed,If you made it all the way down here, thanks for
reading, I know it was a lot with lost of spelling errors. Sorry but I
just really want to move on so I didnt re-read it.

Kell