Worst Fears

July 21

All of my worst fears come ture yesterday. We where out shopping for Manterny clothes. I had finely found the best pare of pants for my growing belly, when I felt it. Something was wrong. A wetness in my undies. Being the that I am, I put a hand down my pants to find my worst fear was ture, it was blood. Bright red blood. By now I had ran out of the store with tears coming out of my eyes. Thankfully we where only 15 minutes from the Hospital, which at this time the bleeding had stopped. It was like just a once off, bit of blood but still a fair amount. The doctor took my blood to see if it had mixed with baby – Negative. This means that it was my blood and not babies. The doctor seems to think that it could have come from my ovaries. Just to check all bases they also had a look at my cervix, which is still closed, and to put my mind at rest they did a ultrasound to fine that baby was very happy and still a heartbeat. I do have some pain in my right side, same feeling when ouvlating but more stronger.

It really did open my eyes of what could happen. It scares the shit out of me, to think that we could lose this baby too. I have tried right from the start to put this kind of thinking out of my head, and to keep telling myself that im going to have a “normal” pregnancy, and at the end of 9 months a healthy baby. I find it so amazing, that people can fall pregnant at the click of there fingers and have beautiful childern. Then there are people like Matt and I where, it took us over 3 years to pregnant, which ended in a misscarrige, and now at 17 weeks pregnant, I had a bleed. Maybe its a lessan that needs to be learned. I can remember right from a young age, that all I wanted to be was a Mummy. When I met Matt, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I knew that he was it. I knew he would Father our children.

What I don’t want to lose this baby. It freaks me out everytime I think about it. In the back of my mind, I think to myself. Please don’t do this to us. We have been though this pain before. I guess now only time will tell. The good news is that it was my blood that I pasted, and that it wasn’t babies. The hard part is not knowing where this blood came from.

kellie