Oswego
November 22, 2001

Two is the loneliest number

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It’s the loneliest number since the number one

No is the saddest experience you’ll ever know
Yes, it’s the saddest experience you’ll ever know

`Cause one is the loneliest number….

Three Dog Night

I hope her grandfather likes me and finds me to be a nice young man instead of “who is this chump?”… This [woman] far surpasses any feeling I have ever had. She is the kind of person who brings out the best in everyone she is around….to me, she can do no wrong.. she is PERFECT…..even though I am not. To me, she is the perfect friend…. the perfect woman…… the perfect mate…..for me, soul-mate! When I’m with her… I feel whole. Like there is nothing in my life that is missing or incomplete. She makes me feel as though I can move Heaven and Earth if the occasion called for it.

18-year-old diarist at OD

I once read a book (I can’t remember the title) about this guy who died but didn’t go to either heaven or hell. Apparently, he had developed attachments to objects in the living world (they were called fetters) that wouldn’t allow him to ascend or descend; thus, he traveled instead to a sort of alternate Earth where souls too attached to pass on remained. It’s like when I get too attached to…certain people, it’s like I’m with him, but not really with them, know what I mean? On the other hand, though, I only feel alive when I’m with other people.

Note left by another young OD diarist at a college student’s diary.

I am always astonished when I come across, by some random act of synchronicity, the diary of a young man or the note of a young woman at OD, expressing thoughts and emotions and feelings that almost seem tenderly absurd for one to have at such an early age. How much longing and desire is contained in those words of the youth who has found his “soul-mate” at age 18? How much disillusion is he in for, how much heartbreak as he discovers that, as she herself wrote to him, “Remember, I am not perfect…you may be shocked.” I couldn’t help but smile at that. I was so far from such thoughts that this boy, almost a man, expressed when I was his age. I had so many other pre-occupations, such as survival in a dorm and college experience with my sanity intact. I struggled with one doomed relationship and it was was gone. I had no idea what I was doing. I knew who I was but feared mightily the outcome the pain I was in for as my life unfolded in those days of my own youth and 20s.

So, I repeat, How could someone possibly have such certainty about love? At that age. How utterly dependent on another person had he become? Is that what love is? Giving yourself to another, so madly in love, so subsumed and consumed by that love, or what the *other* person represents, that it is all one can think about? Or, lost in romantic dreams and cliches, fastened by a halter to society’s expectations, to the “norm”, the fantasy of what it takes to be happy. What is the answer?

And this idea that one is “only alive” when with other people. How brutally honest or delusional, take your pick. I wish I had the temerity of those two youths, the audacity to face the truth, or at least not shy away from it. Is that what we do when we are young, and as we get older, we forget about or deny the passions of our early years as we come out of adolescence and feel alone, truly alone for the first time? I wish to forget.

As I look out the window on a misty gray early afternoon, the day after Thanksgiving, a day that was filled with good food and family talk and togetherness — alone again — I am afraid if I turn on the radio I will hear some Simon and Garfunkle dirge about a rock and an island, and I will wonder if I am “homeward bound” and that is why I find these heartrending words and notes at OD so fascinating, and so sadly beautiful and confounding, and yet so utterly comprehensible, at the same time.

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I have complete understanding of how those two people feel. I wonder if this makes me immature, someone who never grew up? Or am I unique in my ability to see the truth in myself…as ugly as it may be? Somehow Os…I think you are just as able to see your true self and feelings as anyone I’ve ever met.

I think in youth the infatuation phase of love (the perfect woman!) predominates, and with age the other faces of love emerge. Although I’ll admit to being susceptible to the rush of infatuation even now in my old age.

its amazing sometimes what you come across in od, for sure. but I think there are plenty of people that are young who have a real sense of what they want or have found. this boy sounds a little too obsessed over this chick, but then, maybe that is love and I’ve just been fooling myself. who knows.

Whew! I am so relieved I got to the end of this entry without being asked to describe exactly what loves are. 🙂 I enjoyed reading this thoughtful entry and always appreciate your notes, dear O. Sorry about your turkeys – was a truely ghastly story,though perhaps I took the low road in using the “visably stressed” line. Sure, “it’s only a turkey.” Is it? Then, why $$$? We value rare. Like love.

:o) I’m not signed in…will return later! Take care! FB

It is never too late to have a happy childhood. Relive it again. Go for it! Find a special someone that you can love. :O)

My friend, this is a remarkable entry! I find OD and endlessly fascinating place but don’t seem to be able to find as extraordinary notes as these most times. I read entries of school, friends, fashion, expectations and infatuation and myself wonder at the way youth has changed. One must love themselves before they can be loved! Thank you for this entry!

Oswego, thank you for your beautiful note. It moved me. I miss you so much —-having time to come here & read or send you an email now & then — and now when I do come over to your ‘place’, I find this beautiful, touching & moving entry in which both your loneliness & your strength sing out. You’ll hear from me soon. Anna A.

O, I think you have inspired me to write an entry tonight. I am not sure yet, gotta go walk a few minutes. Your words almost never fail to both move & inspire me. Right now, they are moving me out the door, into the beautiful crisp air. Anna A.

Youthful idealism. Isn’t that how it’s described, that utter certainty about love and everything else? It’s a long road ahead for that young man, and yes… there’ll be pain, but surely there will be joy as well. I hope his full heart sustains him. (Your note was a lovely surprise. Thank you.)

I, too, read and wonder at younger people’s diaries. I think we could name the categories of comments/themes for all ages and find similarities in the age groups, including our own. I think you have a life you value, now, and are aware of many beauties it affords…. I hope so. I have a theory, by the way, that it doesn’t take an extreme like finding a soul mate to build a good life. together

Glad you were with family and had a good Thanksgiving Day–it seems more important this year. RYN, thanks.

Oh heavens, Oswego…I’m not even touching this one (and I’ve only read it twice, rather than my usual four times…) Straight to email or IM or both, otherwise I’ll end up leaving a twenty-part note. Hugs and pralines to you,

Strong questions & thoughts on love, passion, youth…I think youthful passions & longings aren’t always too rational & they can create intense emotional flights & dips.The fall/christmas time,every year,brings out my sadness, & I long for people who are gone & cry for those who are sick & I go inward. I like what Mags wrote about mates~there are various possiblilities for love at our ages. [Dream

My friend, I do believe that occasionally two people do find each other and that beautiful state of companionship described by that young man. I hope so, for their sake.Ryn. Thank-you. Your words are strength.

i know that 18 y/o who wrote that. i dont think his g/f feels likewise. i have wondered the EXACT same thing as well. how can someone be so young, and naive, to actually think they have found their soulmate at such an age. it almost makes me laugh to be brutally honest. what another surprise, we agree on the same thing. what makes young people decide on such a rash decision? we’ll never know

did that entry correlate any to my latest entry? >:þ write back!

understood, well said

I’ve had the problem in relationships that I couldn’t say the word “Love” because I didn’t feel that sort of over-whelming attachment to the wellbeing of another over myself. Was the diarist being honest when he said he believed in the woman’s absolute perfection? Or was he deceiving himself? Or maybe I’m just too self-absorbed to actually Love something besides myself. One day on a long [

car trip, my mom told me a disturbing anecdote. She reported that during a fight with my dad during their early years together she yelled at him, “The only thing we have in common is we’re both in love with you!” I feel like I’m on the wrong side of that equation too often. Maybe I’ve just read too much Keats and subconsciously expect the skies to open up when I meet someone. Or maybe [t

I know too well the fleeting nature of my “loves.” Every pretty (or unique) girl that catches my eye makes my heart beat faster, and I can’t lie and say they don’t or won’t anymore. I think I hold two ideas of love–the fleeting crush love and Love the absolute/permanent–and can’t reconcile the reality of both or either. What do you say, have your years helped resolve the paradox or [the Ea

just made the whole issue murkier? For what it’s worth, I think love is at its most simple in children for whom love is pretty much embodied by parents, family, hugs and attention. I think getting older has just confused things with hormones and Romanticism and Fruedian theory, at least thus far. Which isn’t to mention the whole issue of God’s love and our potential for reciprocation… [the Ea

“To be in love” is not the same as “love”. When you are in love with someone – the person is perfect in all ways. As time goes by, these “perfect persons” turn out not to be perfect – and you get disappointed and leave. When you love a person, you know that your object of love, is not perfect. But still you can’t live without. You love in spite of, not because of the perfectness

Love is when you say to your loved one: go where you want to, do what you want to, and yet he chooses me. Again. And again. Have a nice weekend my friend!

I think that love is the most important affair of your life.What does it matter our age, our condition.With or without experience,the passion is the same, it gives us the most beautiful emotions of the life.Sometimes, we laugh, sometimes we cry, but always, we live. Your diary is a lyric hymn to your city.Your writing is so perfect,so evocative, without to know Charleston,I like it!Maybe one da

Oswego, I don’t know what to say ! The more I think the fewer I know. I can’t spell it out in words…maybe I need some more space…till soon! :o)

Wonderful entry, as always. I agree with Freewind, got to love yourself first…without that the love of another is empty. I think the youth of today hurry to be in love, to have that someone special. It’s like they have lost the ability to be sure of themselves & must have an alter ego to be complete. Yet they rob themselves of self growth by rushing.

I am usually curious about one feeling incomplete without another. I suppose I just don’t understand. It’s not loneliness that is troublesome for me…it is that sense of aloneness.

To be complete alone then allows us to be able to be with another in a magnificent way. Spirits linked, whether bodies together or apart…this is love that transcends. Food for thought…. 🙂 The Wild Wings girl,

sounds like me….lonely, incomplete without someone by my side..perhaps i had it for too long…or only thought i did…it was an allusion…but it gave comfort on the long cold nights of winter

You touch so many people with your clear and inspiring words that it is difficult to imagine that you are ever alone, O. I shudder when I remember what I thought love was. Thank goodness we learn more about life as we live it. Very thoughtful entry.

Damn, I’ve missed reading you. I’ll have to stop by OD more often and stop being so lazy. 😉 Interesting questions you’ve asked in this entry. . .questions I won’t begin to try and answer for you. Partly because I feel that human nature and all that is contained in the soul and the depths of the human heart. . .I think it’s all limited by language. Words like maturity. [room to mane

Willy & Wilma
November 25, 2001

Yes, one is a lonely number, especially to the young man who loved and lost.

The Earthbound Kid may have something. The line about hugs and attention. Who wouldn’t love that? Who wouldn’t want that? Are you really alone, Oz? Nah, I don’t think you are. I can’t think of you that way. I think of you as seperate, yes. Aloof? No. Unique? Definitely. Ageless and oft-inspired. You remind me of this kid, Lachlan. She’s stopped writing. What a shame. Maybe she’s out, livin

Maybe she is out there, living. LIVING. I hope your thanksgiving was wonderful. I’m sure you gave a humble thanks for all life’s joys. You do that everyday when you write. You do it, and you remind us all to do it. That’s a gift. Thanks.

Young people are amazing…at times.

My note will feel lost and insignificant in this vast sea of notes, but I wanted to tell you how moved I was by this intimate glimpse into you. It took me 20 years to find true love, but I know for certain, now, that it does exist. Does it make me “complete?” No. I felt complete first and can offer my love as a whole person. “Infatuation” is about the “beloved” making US feel good as a drug might.

I read this days ago, Oswego, and was floored by the syncronicity of questions you raised; the same questions being posed in my life that day. I found it too confronting and painful to reply to at the time. It’s strange, I came back today, and although fascinated by the ideas, wonder where the charge has gone. I guess it’s just a case of coming across the right words at the right time. [Cloiste

I’ve read this through twice. It is so amazing, I think we grew up on parallel planes. So much of what you speak is also of my life. Another “pity me” song I used to sing along to at work in the supermarket was the Carpenter’s “Good Bye to Love”. I get depressed now just thinking about it. Time to move my thoughts elsewhere!

You of all people have made me appreciate more the beauty of being alone. I have also struggled with thoughts of love of late, and come to accept that love is not something we define, and it does wear so many different colors. Like all things in our lives, it changes, grows, as does what we ask of it. Wonderful entry Oswego.

In many ways, we are all alone, dear friend, for we must find love within ourselves before we can love another. The young believe that “a perfect mate” will complete them so it consumes them to a point of obsession. Love comes in a myriad of ways to us if we are open to its presence. To quote the Bible~ “It is patient, it is kind, it is not jealous, it does not brag, and is not aggrogan

adrift
December 3, 2001

It does not seek its own…it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails”~ This I believe that love never fails. This I wish for you, dear friend~ With loving {{{hugs}}} and a *smile* always~

Edelweis
November 23, 2002

Dear friend, my “late” :o) night yesterday ended by re-reading this entry. When we are young we hurry to live life fully. With our mind we explore and absorb all these new feelings and experiences one after the other. When we are older however life has teached us which are the real treasures. In mystery, the soul then selects its own destiny and brings us peace, happiness and contentedness!

Edelweis
November 23, 2002

Ooops…ouch! I cannot leave without a correction!!!I meant…life TAUGHT us. (I guess that’s the correct conjugation?!)

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