Oswego

October 4, 2001

Absurdly mundane

The shiny red and silver Neiman Marcus Christmas catalog just arrived. It makes you a little sick and a little wistful. Even though it was printed only a month ago, it now seems as detached from the moment as cave drawings, a document of an extinct culture that reveled without apology in the trivial and gaudy, pushing luxury to absurd heights.

Maureen Dowd, New York Times

I’m not one of those privileged elite who receive that catalog, thankfully. It’s almost obscene, those $2,700 jeans jackets with rabbit fur collars one finds in the pages of that glossy compendium of wretched excess. Can you imagine someone finding happiness with such possessions? Is this all some joke perpetrated on the rest of us? But the rich aren’t like you and I. We know that. The Neiman Marcus catalog is almost a caricature. People couldn’t possibly buy that stuff, could they?

Some people’s mailboxes are stuffed with mail order catalogs. A lot of them are fun to look at, amusing, fascinating, indicative of the culture of consumption we have become over the years, especially since the 50’s when affluence and the good life of trying to have the “American Dream” translated into a materialism that can seductively lure one away from the really worthwhile and important things in life. All harmless, of course.

I received an L.L. Bean catalog the other day. How tasteful and comforting it is. I never buy anything, but I admire the well-made flannel shirts and pants, the shoes and boots, the scarves and coats, the rugged outdoor look of the Maine woods in winter. A cultural institution, that’s what Bean has become. Then there are all the cedar-fresh Christmas wreaths you can order. Happy, smiling faces. Just like you and I. There is a sense of calm, sober rectitude about the world of L.L. Bean. Nothing excessively expensive or tacky. Not anything you would absolutely have to have, either, but since the first Sears and Montgomery Ward’s mail order catalogs, people have loved to shop by mail. It’s an American tradition. Why not?

I get a few other catalogs, most of which I don’t pay much attention to. But the other day, I saw in my mail the Harriet Carter Catalog — “Distinctive Gifts since 1958…” Ah, this goes back to the 50s. If you want a jolt of reality, if you want to feel things are returning to some semblance of normalcy, take a look at this catalog: you don’t know whether to laugh of cry. It’s very close to pure kitsch, but not quite. The practicality of many of the items saves it. I can see cultural anthropologists years hence coming across one of those catalogs and scratching their heads in total bewilderment. It’s just too much to absorb at one sitting.

Here are some representative samples of the riches to be found within:

* Magnetic back support — helps ease pain and corrects poor posture. Special design pulls back shoulders, straightens neck and head and aligns spine without discomfort.

* Gutter flusher blasts away leaves in seconds. $8.50

* A book, “How to Fix Damn Near Everything” — Takes the mystery out of appliances, power tools, plumbing, TVs, etc. $12.98

* Pest Contro — uses patented ultrasonic waves to chase away rodents, spiders, ants, bees and more,. $19.98 (2 for $38.50)

* “Born to Fish, Forced to Work” caps — $5.98

* Wildlife pocket watches (deer and fish models) — $19.98

*The Magic of Jello Cookbook — $9.95

* Lighted Motion Waterfall wall hanging — A real conversation piece — $49.98

* Sonic bark control collar

* Body by Jake bun and thigh rocker

* No-slip ice carpet for steps (very practical)

* Solar curtains (saves you money on heating and air conditioning)

* Bust maximizer tablets clinically proven to incrase bust size as much as 8% within two months

* Tube sqeezers — lets you get out every drop of toothpaste

* Personalized wood cap rack

* Spouse remote control device — lets you control the action. Turn ’em off and on, mute them, have them fetch, cook, or shop with just a touch of a button. Was $9.96 now $8.50

* Glow in the dark pebbles to make a unique addtion to your walkways, driveways, and garden borders.

*Personalized pet picnic tables, Spam cookbook, mooing cow wall clock, and on and on…

I haven’t had so much fun with odd products since the days of the Ronco Vegematic ads on TV.

LOL Oswego, I loved the list. Um, maybe I need a couple of those things. 🙂

Let’s see, is this where I submit my list? The damn fixit book sounds nice – does it come with a fixit guy? Oh, don’t get the jello book – I have one that came free with 4,326 jello labels – I’ll sell it for a buck ninety five. Gee, you’ve shared your fun – I like that! :o)

Now are you going to tell us that you made up x number of them and we have to figure out which ones?

Absolutely marvelous, Oswego!! Such wonderful “wish books”!! Isn’t it great how well we can entertain ourselves with so little if we just use our imaginations! Great entry, my friend.

You are so right – the rich are not like us. I have a hard time imagining how one crosses the line from Levis to $2,500 designer jeans. I’ve also wondered what an anthropologist might think if they came across a grocery store 100 years from now found a rack of magazines from the check out lane.

Haha.. things you have to buy, right? 🙂 To those who have everything? A terrible thought thinking of all the people who are not able even to have enogh food to eat. Have a nice weekend my friend!

Dowd is a funny cat. It’s hard to catch her angle.

There’s another one called “Things You Never Knew Existed…and Can’t Possibly Live Without.” Check it out.

I just love that little book. We get one every now and then in the mail. We leave it in the bathroom and spend hours reading it in small sections of time. You can take it all in and enjoy it fully. I have even ordered some of those products. They are a hoot to get in the mail!:)

Wish I’d written this–I could have (well, not with your classic style, tho). I’ve been reading the same comfort catalogues…don’t get the other one, thank goodness. Aren’t they fun? I’m always amused by the cow cream pitchers for some reason. (My dad once bought one and we used it for years, guess that’s it.) Thanks for the fun reading this brought me. mags

I think I am going to get the Body by Jake Bun and thigh Rocker. I kinda like that way that sounds. Liz

Just when I thought you had nothing on the list for me, I see the glow in the dark pebbles. Ah, now that’s ME! :O)

I was pretty interested until I came to the jello cookbook and had to gag 🙂 Can’t do jello! I shop on the internet a lot and seem to get every mail catalog in the world as a result. I often wonder if our mailperson hates me. ryn: Thanks. Vexing is a good description, but they were patient with us when we were vexing and now it’s our turn I suppose. Paybacks ya know.

Trying to decide WHY the spouse remote control device would be on sale. maybe it just doesn’t have the “right” buttons… I’m a lands’ end girl. LL bean is … too much LOL. nice entry… great to see.

lol – always an entry of thoughtful caliber. and this is fun. 🙂 (I have something on this list :)) We certainly do have the two non-colliding world of extremes as to consumption. We can only hope that the person buying the $2700. pair of pants is also as charitably responsible, and what we’ve seen in the wake of the tragedy, there is a good deal of “monied” heart out there. Thanks, O. * [love*

Oh no. If my husband finds out about that toothpaste roller he’ll be buying one for us and for all of his loved ones. Because, you know, he’s nuts.

Blonde Harlow

October 7, 2001

The third catalog ‘since 1950’ reminds me of the Specer’s catalog that my grandmother used to get…it seemed filled with worthless, interesting and even ‘dirty’ stuff that was always a laugh to look at. Hey, I just got the “Land’s End” catalog too…can’t afford any of it!

I took my name off mailing lists & now get only Bean’s. L.L.really does have solid stuff that lasts forever & adds to comfortable & healthy living. Our favorites are our little kayaks,xcountry skiis, canvas Bean bags (hold lots of books), & flannel shirts. You’d probably like the Vermont catalog I used to get. Manual typewriters,among other old fashioned stuff.Thanks,a bit of lightness is good. [

dear mother of god!! i hope to god that you are not going to buy such useless crap and garbage! i am considering begging you NOT to. however, this has been VERY amusing entry. PROPS TO YOU :þ

should i be cautious to get an e-mail from you on christmas to find a Sonic bark control collar? please do not spoil me on x-mas. give it to someone else whose less fortunate :þ

Bramble

October 9, 2001

I want the spouse remote control device 🙂

::sigh:: I dont get Harriet’s catalog anymore since I moved without telling her where I went 😉

HarpHill (2)

October 10, 2001

Ah me! My son in law has one of every kind of flannel shirt L L Bean ever offered. I gave them to him. They never wear out. I also get that catalog of “funny things”. I outfit myself from the Lands’End catalog. Better than driving to KC or Tulsa and shopping.

This is GREAT, O! Actually Harriet Carter is just about 15 miles from where I live — I ordered a cushion that I thought would be great, for my chair at work — it made my back worse & I finally threw it away — but I love the items you picked. Won’t you come read my new poem? Love,Akhmatova

Ah, the very wishbook that Terry Brooks used as the source of his Magic Kingdom for Sale – Sold!. I should calculate how many second hand books I could buy instead of those exorbitant jeans.

jackets.

LoL…the pest contro maybe! To frighten the big fat black spiders who come in from the yard at this time of the year in search for a nice house in my home. I never kill them…oh no, but I don’t like them run like mad, so fast that I can’t see where they go! As long as they stay where they are, without moving one single leg I love them, otherwise you’ll find me on top of a chair!:o) [Edelweis]A23

I enjoy browsing the L.L. Bean catalog, too. What a fun entry! Interesting list of items, too. 🙂 Laughing and reading on…