Journals and truth-telling
The writer Joseph Epstein has been keeping a journal for more than 30 years, scribbling entries on paper each morning. He says it is an addictive habit. Wonder what he means by that. But he never wrote journal entries when he was young because, “I had attempted one earlier (he started at age 33), but found that it was too filled with complaint and depression. The complaint chiefly had to do with the world, ignorant beast, not recognizing my obvous talent.” He says he wrote in the morning because, ” I suspect that if I wrote late at night, when tired, my entries would be spiritually darker, and, I prefer to think, less true to life, or at least my life…”
He continues, in a wonderfully insightful piece of writing, “I am grateful for having kept a journal. Doing so is perhaps the greatest of all aids to memory, especially as one grows older and life begins to seem more than a touch dreamy…”
But Epstein writes in a notebook, or some other paper conveyance. He makes no mention throughout his lengthy essay of the online journal, that most revolutionary new diary medium that instantly has taken the locks and keys off older forms of diaries and tossed them in the sea. They are no longer private, or at least they don’t have to be. Book publishers rarely put out compilations of journal writing, have you noticed? But on the Internet, and at Open Diary, there are many thousands of published diaries. I wonder why Epstein ignores this phenomna. Perhaps it is an alien notion to him.
The Romanian writer Iosif Hechter, who kept a journal for many years, said, “In the end, there is someting artificial in the very fact of keeping a private diary; nowhere does the act of writing seem more false. It lacks the excuse of being a means of communicating, just as it lacks any immediate necessity.” But now I can say in response: the online journal effectively negates that line of reasoning.
Epstein goes on to say, “A journal provides one with that best of audiences, that most loyal supporter, that closest and most understanding and greatest, good-hearted of friends — oneself.” Ah, you can tell he has never written an online journal entry, or else, even if he did, would he perhaps be merely “talking to himself?” Some people like to talk to themselves endlessly in their writing. And maybe that is enough for them. Why communicate with others?
For me, the old ways of keeping diaries served their purpose, but writing for myself and maybe someone years hence who would stumble upon the yellowed remains of my pages in a dusty attic, was a bit unpromising, depressing, and discouraging. Writing in a notebook that would be closed and filed away, perhaps never to be read again, was unfulfilling, ultimately. That’s why I never kept at it faithfully. I always lost interest. Perhaps it took too much discipline. Now, however, I have been writing online regularly for more than three years. This feat astonishes me even now. I still can hardly believe that I have written so much, whereas in years past, my journals, after initial bursts of revelation and sustained insight, fell by the wayside.
Possibly though, there are simpler reasons why I maintain my two online journals so fastidiously. Maybe it is akin to what James Lees-Milne noted in his diary once, “If a man has no constant lover who shares his soul as well as his body he must have a diary — a poor substitute but better than nothing.”
Perhaps that’s just a gross oversimplification. Or, is it?
Journals, whatever form they take, can force us to confront our lives with painful honesty, as nothing else will, for when we commit thoughts to words on screen or paper, we have, in a sense, embodied them. Epstein quotes Lees-Milne again, facing his own mortality with brutal candor after contemplating a passport photograph of himself at age 69: “My God, how absolutely hideous I have become. Sad really, when you think. As long as I keep clean. I suppose all I can do is maintain that one standard.”
I hope I don’t get to that point. Maybe I could contemplate artistically and intellectually such candor as a literary device for my writing…How shocking and existential. What meaning is there in life if you are reduced to such thougts? Are the end times that bad? Is it only in a journal that we can be so open-eyed?
If I were more honest with myself in this journal, I would look in the mirror more often and not shy away from confronting what I see, metaphorically as well as literally.
many thoughts here… but don’t you sometimes just like the way the words feel in your hands? And perhaps it is more important that we recognize the fleeting nature of each thought and confront that, that as humans we are constantly in motion, and recording any moment is like a snapshot…and just as no one snapshot is representative of the whole person, neither should we hold our journals as c)
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more than mirrors to a moment. It is okay to take joy in the words, and okay not to be judgmental of what we see in the mirror. Perhaps you are right… perhaps we are the best friend we have, though I would offer we are more likely our own worst enemies. {smile} see? look in that mirror… literally or metaphorically, and someone here will say… quit beating up on my friend Oswego. [RoseSunris
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yeah.. what she said
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Again you can gave me cause to think, Oswego. Years upon years of daily writing in private journals kept my sanity and my life together more than once. I look at the mass of them and think to myself “what was the point?”. Most of them depress me to read because they carry my written scars but they also contain my worded joys. They are me and what was and is my life, such as it is…. [Freewind]A11
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Like all writers I write for myself and for other people. My private diaries, far more prose with scattered poems, seems to have reversed itself in my online journal…which is 90% poetry and 10% prose but still it is a diary…filled with my feelings, my thoughts and what I see. Either way, it is like yours but an expression of myself and yours is truly one of the most beautiful and poignant….
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books I have ever had the priviledge to read. As to the mirror, I look in that mirror and am often saddened by what I see, by the truth I see, but I also see a “survivor” and in many ways, a very lucky woman. Thank you for always giving me something to think about and this note area to express those thoughts. You do a great good here, my friend!
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Do you ever read a posting and FEEL that entry in addition to reading it? This happens to me when I find an entry like this one.I’ve been on OD a very short time compared to yourself and I am still discovering the wealth of honesty within our OD community.Having begun journaling at the ripe old age of 8 I must confess that I was reluctant to commit to an online journal. However,after a few short
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days I am hooked. OD keeps me more open and honest with my diary/journal. I am a beginning diarist whereas you have written for quite a while. Your writing style reflects this experence in your expressive choice of subject matter. I have become a fan Oswego and this posting is one of my favorites.
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I saw that in A&LD too. Interesting idea, the regular diary v. the online one. I’ve never before written anything of the persistantly metaphoric scope that my online diary has, but I’m still pretty young. I once kept a simple journal around age 14 or 15, just to fill out the rest of spiral notebook, but it wasn’t very compelling. Refering to your note, I suppose the thrust of that entry was very [
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much written from the perspective of a young person. The topics of slowly gaining control of one’s life from one’s parents (the purpose of adolescence), the still new (to me) thrill of driving, video games (a recent phenomenon), and teenage puppy love can hardly hold the same resonance for an adult as a kid. Whereas, adult themes (nostalgic-wistful meaning of life thoughts for example) seem to [th
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hold the same appeal for people of all ages, (or at least me) as one can project forward to one’s future or just pretend that one has sufficient past to wistful about. All of that has something to do with rock and roll versus classical music too, but I’m not sure if I can boil it into 400 character bites…
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I’ve kept a journal off and on for most of my life. One day about seven years ago I threw them all in the trash. I don’t regret it, but I am grateful to have discovered OD. I journal mainly as a way to create a record of who I am for my children and their children to come…and of course to write. I love the simple act of communicating with any human who will listen. Thanks again, Oswego. [quiete
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my english teacher taught me the value of writing my feelings, thoughts out when i was young…i shall be eternally grateful to her for it…i wrote and wrote and wrote…all my thoughts, fears, dreams…and i still do
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Superb writing, fascinating in the content, magnificent in the form. You are a writer. Thank you for reading my diary, I am very impressed by your talent, and a little intimidated too!! I loved “Depression” I feel concerned by this subject…Glad to met you.
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Hm.. i guess we write diaries for many reasons. This OD-diary is very special because you interact and write for an audience. Paper diaries are only for yourself. Diary – a substitue? Could be, or an additional thing
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Each person brings their own reasons to a diary, or whatever else they write. You seem to be a reflective diarist. Finding your aged diaries in an attic would be a discovery of a lost treasure. I have used my diary to finish my thoughts. Once committing the words to these pages I have a sense that they are done and can be released, no longer necessary to be held inside. Thank you for writing.
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You have another online journal? Is it private, or can you tell me where it is? If it’s not a private diary, I’d love to visit you there! :o)
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When we moved to the country life was so beautiful and ‘I couldn’t bear it if I didn’t share it’. It was too much for me to hold inside without releasing some of it on paper. I also wanted to remember when I saw the first robin in the spring and when chickory blooms.
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Guess I always thought our diaries *were* our mirrors…you seem more honest than many on here, my friend
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I echo Doodlebug’s wish to know where to visit your other diary. I’ve been visited by friends for quite a few weeks and have snuck away to your entries for many of the alone moments when I want to share these woonderfully honest, open thoughts. Thank you, Oswego for providing this opportunity.
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I, too, find on-line diaries extremely helpful and joyful….though I must admit that I have not been able to be so open as to disparage my image in public form as the quoted writer had. It is more difficult to be brutally honest, desperately depressed, or super-elated happy. Those emotions either embarass me or disappoint the readers. Great points about journaling!
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interesting
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Thought-provoking & filled with the mirror or truth & vulnerability as well.I write in a private spiral bound journal & enjoy the curve of the letters formed from the movement of my pen across the page. I retrace my history through memories that still the hands of time. My emotions spill & there is no need to try to clean up the mess. 🙂
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Here on OD, even those who write more poetry than prose, open the doors to their hearts & souls. For what writer can pen his words or what artist can paint a picture without divulging a bit of himself naked & vulnerable to the world? In our sharing of our private thoughts & dreams, we realize our common ground.I come here often & I always leave feeling that I have been given a gift~ 🙂 [~
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This is hypocritical since I’m not all-telling in my diary (far from it), but . . . why not be completely open here? I have a feeling your legion of fans would be there no matter what you uncovered. I know I would.
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I maintain two online diaries and keep a paper journal as well. It’s my paper journal that I feel is my “real” one although I’ve noted that many things I write online don’t make it to the paper. It’s the very fact that it won’t be published that makes the paper one more “real” to me, more mine, and where all the parts of my life do end up at one time or another.
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Paper is portable. I can write in my journal anywhere and frequently do so in bed. I look at the stacks in the cabinet and see years of experience. That said, I find my two online diaries allow different expressions. One lets me just talk, and the other lets me flow more creatively. They are my honest thoughts but they are truly shared, and they make friends. 🙂
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Because it’s not for me alone I find that I sometimes expand a thought more. The online diary makes me flex my writing muscle a bit more, and I’m more aware of keeping it up online. My paper journal won’t get archived and so sometimes is neglected, but I have to write to stay active online. My paper journal doesn’t talk back to me.
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We are multifaceted. I keep a diary in a public forum to keep me writing, to keep me mentally active, and to keep up with friends. I need my private journal for me, to know there is a place just for me, and I can take that secret place with me anywhere.
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On Traveller’s Insurance calendars I noted the first daffodil, iris, daylily, rose along with items of interest on that day. The calendars turn up in the oddest places. I will never refer to them to write my entries. At times I find myself spellbound by your candor. Thanks for pointing the way.
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I enjoy your brilliance, Mr. Oswego. I’m sad that OD technically isn’t working for me. I may have a virus or maybe the the site is just off-balance. I keep getting “web page not available.” I’ve learned so much here from gifted writers, have learned about the beauty of language, about interesting & precious lives. Journals, including your beautiful journal,are wondrous!I agree w/ you here. [Dream
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i often wish that i could use my journal to record the amazing things that colour my mind throughout the day instead of just recording the events that the thoughts center around. but i find that the events help to remind me of that headspace. tonight i’ve been dreaming of a farmhouse again.
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Your diary is a treasure, my friend, and you are a very gifted writer! I found here so many interesting entries and there are still many to be read. Many of your entries make me think, reminding me of past experiences and then I must think of what N. Bohr says: “Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward!” When I re-read my own entries it’s as if I create here my other
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home, on paper. Don’t we write about oursleves as being made of words, reconstructed out of words. Mandy Aftel said this about writing: “As you begin to pay attention to your own stories and what they say about you, you will enter into the exciting process of becoming, as you should be, the author of your own life, the creator of your own possibilities.” I think many of us here are also writing
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in an online diary because they like people and love the world!? And sometimes, I think, because there is noone around in real life who we think understands what we want to express or maybe we feel there is just no time to listen to us. As so often, this entry made me think. Thank you dear friend! :o)
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