Different person.

Im a different person than I used to be. Sometimes Im not really sure if its for the better or for the worse. I was looking through old notes and emails I used to save from old friends. And I just, I dont know. I dont have friends like that anymore. And I dont know at what point I lost them.
I used to meet most of my close friends online. Ive never had a problem with that. I dont care if anyone ever did have a problem. I miss the person I used to be. I miss those friends.
But then I think about it further, and the person I used to be. I used to be so depressed. I used to now want to wake up in the morning. I used to think of ways daily that I could kill myself. I used to cut myself everyday. I didnt care about my health. I didnt care about my family.
The person that I am now. I can say is a better person. I love my family more than anything. I miss them so much since I have had to move so far away from them. I dont want to go to sleep at night cause I have more to do than I can get done in a day. Therefore I wake up earlier than I should for the amount of sleep that I need. I care about my body, I take care of it, I try to eat well and I take vitamins everyday. I go to the doctor when something is wrong, I actually use sunscreen now, not that thats horrible. But its good. haha.
I just, miss the old me that could write so well that I made myself think about what I wrote. I was so good at writing because I was always in such a deep thought of concentration. I cant get there anymore. I just cant do it. I try to write something inspiring for myself or others. and it comes out to be a blob on the paper.
I used to write about how much I took care of my oldest nephew. And I found a letter where I wrote about how much I did for him. And how sad it was because when he got older he wouldnt know that, he wouldnt realize it and he would care. When he got older he wouldnt need me, because maybe by that point his mom would step up and be his mom finally
It happened. She did. I wouldnt say that she is the greatest, but he is taken care of. And he doesnt need me. He doesnt remember me ever taking care of him, he was too young to remember that. And what is the point of reminding him anyway. Why should I tell him what a bad mom he had for the first almost 4 years of his life? But yet, when he sits there and tells me that im crabby and I dont care about things, or is just rude to me, I want to be like listen here you little ungrateful thing. I took care of you for 3 1/2 years when I could have been out doing things with my friends and spending my money on things other than you. I could have gotten my homework done and stayed in basketball, and I could have gotten more sleep instead of getting up with you everynight and up early every morning to take you to your babysitters before school, then picking you up after. But then I bite my tongue and I remember that he is only 11 and he doesnt even know all that Ive done for him. And if I have distanced myself from him and his family. (my sister, niece, and his step dad) then thats probably the reason.
Im so close to my other sister. Sometimes I feel really bad for it. Sometimes I dont care. Why should I feel bad that I have a better relationship with one sister than I do with another? I dont feel bad that I like my father more than I like my mother. I guess sometimes I do. But I just dont care.
I live so far away from all them now anyway. When I do go back and visit everything is different. And when I come back home my husband tells me Im a different person.
If Im a different person its because Im depressed I miss my family. But he wouldnt understand that becaues he doesnt really have family to miss. He isnt close with any of his family.
I miss my sister so much, and my little niece and my youngest nephew. I used to be with them everyday.
I must say that I am coping better this time than I was when I was living in st louis. I guess it gets better with age. I m not really sure.
I really do wnat to have kids of my own really soon. Sometimes I wonder though if my husband really does or if he just says that he does. He says he does. Whenever he sees cute kids he says, "ill have kids if thye turn out like that" well im sorry but you really cant say how your children are going to turn out like.
It seems like he never really wants me around anyway, so then I wonder what kind of dad he would be. He says that he doesnt want kids yet because when he has kids he wants to give up his whole life for them. He wants to give up everything he does (party, ride, have fun, blah blah blah) to spend every minute with them. but who knows.

Im so lost inside myself.