Crazy Things.

Well. Lots have been going on. I am getting married hopefully either march 31st or April 1st. I know its soon. And I wasnt planning on having a wedding at all. But now I want my grandparents to be there. And I feel bad that my dad hasnt walked any of his daughters down or whatever.
Im retarded.
My niece is 10  months old now. We found out two weeks ago that she has a hernia. She has to have surgery to have it removed on Feb 1st. Im really scared about it. Im not sure why. I mean I know why. It is weird for a 10 month old to go into surgery for a hernia. I dont know. Im so scared something bad is going to happen. And then its going to be my fault because Ive been feeling like this. I dunno.
Its so sad that such stupid bad things happen to my family. I just want everything to stop.
As soon as you think that things are going smoothly there is always something else.
Im tired.  Extremely tired. Not jsut today. Overall. I cant ever stay awake. I want to be sleeping by 6:30pm. but then I have to be at work at 7 am and I get off at 5. so if I do that. WHat am I left with.
Jay is enlisting in the airforce. I wont see him for 6 whole weeks. Thats going to be so weird. It will be right after we get married too. which is even more weird.
Im scared about the wedding. NOt the getting married part. I just want it to go smoothly. ANd nothing with my family can ever just go smoothly. THey are too disfunctional.
And it will be at my grandmas church. which is methodist. and jay is catholic, not like he goes to church. and the minister is a woman. and his grandmother is not fond of that.
And we want to have at least a nice reception, but I have no money. What the hell am I to do. My mom wants nothing to do with it. She has already told everyone in my family "i sure as hell hope she doesnt think Im paying for anything" my own fucking mother. Im doing it for them. Personally I want to go to the court house. and why shouldnt i? I dont want a fucking wedding, but I haave a damn conscience, and I feel terrible that no one in my family has had a wedding. and I thought everyone would want this, and now it seems like its just disappointing everyone.
but my sister is totally into it. she is looking up shit. planning it without me already. I just wish everyone else would care as well.
I dont know what to do. I dont even have money for it. Im so stupid for even planning it. I mean, its going to be such a pathetic wedding.
Everything in my life sucks. Lately I cant get over this depressed feeling. I want to crawl in a whole and not come out for a long time. Its weird.
maybe its the medicine im on. Ive been taking valuim for 2 weeks. I hate that medicine. but it works well for pain.
I dunno. i have to get up soon and go to work. *sigh*