life..

I swear, sometimes,  I  would really like to kill myself. That feeling never goes away I guess. No matter where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m with. I guess I will feel that way for the rest of my life.

Sometimes, I just want to go get my razor and start slicing away at everything I have, everywhere on my body, anything I can see. I wish sometimes I had the guts to just take the razor right over my wrists and bleed to death.

No one gives a fuck about me. I hate my life. Whenever I think some one cares it turns out they’re pretending, or only care when it is conveinant for them. Fuck that. Im so sick of that shit. I’d rather die.

I dont want to have these feelings, I dont want to feel this way anymroe. I just want to go away.

Im sick of people using me. Im sick of doing everything for everyone and in turn getting nothing back. One fucking day out of the week I get alone with jay, and any other day I ask for is out of the question. God Forbid I ask him to spend one saturday with me. That’s just too much for his girlfriend of 13 months to ask and to demand.

I don’t even know if he tells me the truth about anything anymore. How sad is that. He tells me he doesnt go to SIU to party- says that he is going to work, but then we go there last night and every girl in the college knows him and has to jump on him and hug him. what the hell is that. and then last weekend he drove his ex to school and he said that his boss was making him, but then this morning she says that he was the one that volunteered to go and he said he wanted to because it would be fun. Yet he gave up OUR day to do that, and never made that up to me. he even said he wouldnt be home late, and didnt get home till 10pm i guess that isnt late though huh? not only that two weekends ago, eh went to ISU to “work” and he was going to party monday night so he got tuesday off….and instead of working that tuesday he worked on sunday OUR day….again. fuck that.

oh…theres more…… on wednesday of this week i foudn out that my dad has cancer, again. all i needed that night was to be held….its all i needed. i needed someone to tell me that it would be okay and everything would work out. but no, he had to work late…and when he got home he said he had a “fucking bad day” and left on his motorcycle. didnt even hug me. Now you would think that your boyfriend would somewhat care that your father has cancer and may die. but no….didnt even care. and if he did care…he just didnt show me. he said he wouldnt be riding long, but i went to bed as sooon as he left…i needed a good cry. and so when he got home at 12:30 after leaving at 9:15 he was mad i didnt wait up for him. cause you know 9-12 isnt really a “long” time. I must be wrong.

Im just so upset and so angry about a lot of things. he was suppose to spend today with me, but he spent the day with his friend who hates me to death, and now his friend is over. and i asked him not to have him spend thenight, but they’re out there drinking so im 100% sure that he will spend the night. and tomorrow is OUR day, and jay will sleep in and i wont be able to even go into my living room because someone i dislike will be sleeping there, and god forbid i wake him.

grrrr. i havent had anything to eat today. i dont want to eat. ive been too angry and too hurt and upset. my life sucks. not really. i dontknow.

the only person i even wanted to talk to after fidning out my dad has cancer is my sister, and she is out of the country so i couldnt tell her over the phone. its so sad. i have no one.

i dont know what to do. sometimes i just feel so alone. i feel like if something doesnt fit into jays plans then it doesnt exist and isnt going to happen. if i ask him to spend time with me, thats too much to ask because its bad enough he already spends all day sunday with me (if im lucky) and thats even too much sometimes. cause god. the only reason we started sunday as our day is cause coinsidentally every sunday for a while everyone else was busy and i was theonly one around. and he said he liked spening sunday alone with me, and now he hates it. its like a chore to him.

*sigh* i dont want my dad to have cancer. Im tired of worring about it. my grandpa and my aunt died of cancer, and im pretty sure my grandpa’s dad died of it as well.

its so sad. im so sad. i just wanna die….or hide for a long time. till its all over. till everything is over.