writing.

no one writes at opendiary anymore. I have a new diary at LiveJournal. I dont write there much either. But its free so I have that going for me.

I just paid for another six months. Sad. Cause I really dont care so much for opendiary much anymore. It’s so different from the first time I came here and all others to follow. It used to be a sacred place. I don’t know what changed about it. I think the fact the they now have a “free” site and a “subscription” site messed it all up. From the beginning had they made a limit of how many diaries they could hold, things would be good.

I remember at “free” opendiary, when you used to be able to say the amount of diaries there were around the world. That was awesome, until everyday I counted and everyday the number grew, until opendiary stopped putting it up there for us. I’m not sure if they still do it.

I dont even care to write about my life in any form anymore. I look at my old journals and my old online diaries and I get sickened by all the things I’ve written. Who wants to read over and over about my depressing life? Its not even depressing..I was just depressed and made it out to be that.

Im happy with my life right now. What a scary thing to say. Sometimes I still want to die, and sometimes I still want to cut. And sometimes I still hate everything around me. BUt whatever, I think Ive learned that that’s not only me, but thats everyone. And I guess I dont pitty myself for it anymore. Cause I think if I did, I would still be in the same boat I was last yr, and the years leading up to that.

I know that I will come back and read this entry in a couple days and want to delete it because I wont like whatever it was that I wrote. BUt whatever. IM gonna leave it for now.

Im afraid to lose this diary, and therefore I keep paying that twenty dollars a month. I want to hold onto it, cause if I let it go then thats one part of my life I dont have anymore. Cause there is a lot of life here.

I’d like to print it all, but…would I? thats the question. Shouldn’t I just want to let go, let this diary go. Let it fly away to the unknown, where I’ll never be able to come back and read it over and over.

I dont know, when is it time to just leave everything behind? is there a time?

where do I go from here? I think I’m lost.