ugh.

I wasnt going to write. i wasnt going to say a thing. but as days move on, i just cant not talk anymore.

i used to write in my journal for everything. and now i just dont take the time to. i was about to go to bed, but decided instead id write. because if i lay down ill just think and think and think.

i dont need anyone. i refuse to need anyone. btu everyone makes that so hard. because they always ask, and my instant reaction is to talk. and i hate that. i hate talking. especially about myself.

i love my job so much. i love what i do. i love the kids i work with. but last week the director and the assistant director made that VERY hard to do. they made me hate being there. this is erins last week there. (the girl i work with) im upset cause of that. cause first, shes a really awesome person, and second, they havent found someone to help me out yet. and when i have 8 i cant be in there alone. and when the directors are in there to help they dont do anything, and i end up doing everything anyway and it would just be less stressfull if they werent in there in the first place. and yea. grr. i want somene to be in there, cause it gets so hard when its only me, and they keep taking erin out to do van runs.

yea.

so then i was suppose to go on this march of dimes walk this morning. and at the last second decided not to. but i wanted to bring alexis but then felt bad about leaving nate at home. so i decided to let him spend the night last night. and then i left lexi at home. but anyway, so i call him in the afternoon to tell him, and he tells me his mom is pregnant.

the fucking girl who couldnt take care of her first child. the one whos child i raised until i moved out. the one who neglects her childrens every needs just to fulfill her own. i want to hurt her, i want argh. and then they already ignore nate all the time as it is. now with another baby he will be nothing. and thats not fair. its not fair to him. i dont like that.

and there are other reasons her being pregnant is not fair. but i wont get into them.

*kicks*

i want to be alone for a long time. i want to just have a little closet to crawl into away from the world. im so mad at everything. and i dont like that. not at all.