ramblings.

—-i really hesitated about putting some of this in here, but i decided it my diary and ill put whatever—-

*grrr.im so mad.

at everything. i have a bad headache. i hate that so much, im so tired of gettng headaches. ugh, and a neckache.

ive been sleeping sitting up cause ive been coughing so bad. and i woke up this morning and my neck was all fucked up. grr. that makes me mad.

what also makes me mad, is not being able to let myself be sad or depressed. god, its so comfortable to be depressed sometimes. theres just this burden lifted off my shoulder when i can be. its like, im so afraid of being what i used to be..depressed all the time, that i wont allow myself to even feel depressed. i mean, i get depressed, but i cant get that comfy feeling. *kicks the world*

earlier, i just wanted to be sad, and mad, and whatever else i wanted to be. i didnt want to go out, i didnt want to be alone, i wanted to go out, and i wanted to be alone. grrrr. messed up. and i jsut wanted to kick, scream, shout, hit, break, anything and everything. and i wanted to kick scream and shout at everyone and anyone. nothing was good enough. nothing was enough.

i go through these little brief phases where i just get so angry at whats happened in my life. at things that have gone on, things ive let happen, things ive made happen. i hate many of the choices ive made. recent and past.

god. earlier, i wanted to lay in my waterbed, which i took apart, next to my best friend and just be able to talk about how much i want to die, i wanted to ride in a car and talk about ways we could die. *sad sigh* its just not like that anymore. again, its my fault.

theres something so incredibly wrong with me that i cant keep anyone close. the people i want to stay in my life leave as soon as they can, or i push them to leave. *sigh* dont know. and the people that i dont want, stay too long, unwanted, making me hate them and hate myself more for not being the type of person that would like them in my life. grrrrrr.

theres this guy that ive known for a long time has liked me. years actually. when i first met him, god..he was my best friend. he was the easiest person to talk to. i could talk to him for hours, and if their was ever silence, it wasnt weird. and when id get a bad headache and be all crie-y he’d rub my head. and we’d stay up all night just watching tv. and then one day, i made the mistake of initiating a kiss at night, while we were watching tv…i needed someone. i thought i did anyway. then, when i could have had him, i didnt want him. but we stayed friends. good friends still. till one night i went over to go swimming, and that again is my fault cause i called him wanting someone to be close to, and we went swimming, and then he had sex with me a little. he had sex with me, cause i said no..i didnt want to have sex with him. but then i made him stop by crying. the next time we hung out, he tried having sex with me again, and it made me mad. we only hung out one other time. and then again when i wanted someone i invited him to st louis, but he never came. thats a good thing. i havent seen him since the day before i moved to st louis, and its been 1 yr and 9 months.

so he IM’s me tonight, saying how he likes me, asking if i’d go out with him. telling me im sweet. and shit. and he also told me ‘sorry if i ever did anything wrong to you’ or something like that. it made me so mad.

once before he asked me why id choose a guy 9382938 miles away over him, that he was a nice guy and he would treat me right. and he was sad whne i told him i was moving. and then super happy when i moved back. ive been avoiding him.

anyway, its getting nicer outside. i spent the entire day cleaning my car. it looks nice and it smells nice. that makes me happy. i hate the car, but at least its clean.

im listening to tori amos. its a good cd. i hate sneezing. and i hate coughing. my body is so sore from coughing. i dont think i got my 6-pack though. lol. i think im getting better though. so thats good. im excited about that. hehe.

oh, i got my taxes done finally. i thought id owe like 700 or something. cause the people i nannied for took out like nothing for taxes. and so yea. but the lady that did my taxes figured it out so that i wouldnt owe anything, well except to pay her! lol. how cruel. yea, but that makes me happy too.

i like staying up all night online talking. i like it much better than talking during the day. lol, when i lived in st louis and didnt work until 3pm. id stay up everynight. it was awesome. its 5am. i guess i should sleep.

i wish i wasnt so pointless. grr. i need to lose weight. im gonna go.*