I wonder sometimes..

What is it that so damn bad about me?

What have I ever done to anyone?

Why is it that, I am never good enough for anyone. I am always second best, or not even close to second.

Who have I fucked over so badly that whatever I do, whoever Im friends with, whoever Im with with, feels the need to fuck me over twice as hard.

Why, when Im having fun, do I feel this overpowering quilt. That I shouldnt be doing what I am.

Why, when someone is touching me in any way, playful, sexual, any way…do I start to feel crowded.

Im such a fuck up in so many ways. I cant keep a boyfriend. I cant keep a good friend. I cant get a good job, and feel good staying there. I cant live on my own. I cant go to school.

Why do I feel so fat, and so ugly, and so unwanted, and if not unwanted, I feel used. I feel so used, by everything..by everyone.

KNOW WHY, cause Im just TERRI. And its ALWAYS been okay to fuck terri over. Cause, terri doesn’t mean shit, she isnt worth it. Isnt worth anyones troubles.

gaaaaaaaar. okay. better. i think. i had to get that out. it came to me while sitting in the bathroom at loris, being mad and feeling crowded, but enjoying myself and actually happy.

and i sat in there for 20 fucking minutes before anyone came to see me. before anyone cared enough to ask if i was okay. and the person that came is the only person in the entire house that i could have done without.

i just wanted to swing open the bathroom door and ask him if he thought i was okay. if what happened a few months ago was fucking okay. if him being an ass everyone day of his life, and using fucking people like they never mattered is okay. when i asked him for help earlier, when i really needed help. he wouldnt. and thats not okay.

i think lori and mike are going to get together. i dont even think for the sake of a relationship, i think its all sexual.

and its wrong in so many ways. so many. she says it isnt going to happen because she isnt beca, and no one compares to beca. but i stuck that right back in her face. about something that happened with a certain nameless person, not too long ago.

showed her, that they can hide there feelings just to get what they want when they want it. it doesnt matter if you’re not the person they hold high on the pedistal. cause god fucking knows, ive never been that person…but they’ve always settled for me.

its all just another thing in life you have to deal with. find a way, no matter how shitty and used it makes you feel.

*sigh*