its a bad thing.

I want to cut so bad. I dont know why. I havent cut in the longest time, in months. Since like february or something like that, I cant even remember the last time. But now its summer, and its hot and its humid here, so I cant wear long sleaves all summer like I did last year. So that means I cant cut, well, I could cut my stomache.

I just want to get into bed and wake up and have like a good job, school paid for, my bills paid, money. Oh, wouldnt that just be so nice.

I dont understand what the hell my problem is. I dont understand why I have to go through these stupid times when all I feel is depressed.

I feel so depressed inside, I have been feeling like this lately. But it feels like something is blocking that out so that I can show it, or whatever. I dont know how to explain it, but a couple people know what Im talking about.

Maybe Im still just trying to protect people from having to know Im not all better, and it will be a while before I am.

I dont know. This past weekend all I did was lay in bed or lay on the couch. I didnt have the motivation or energy to do anything but that. I hardly sleep anymore, I cant sleep, I cant fall asleep. I wake up all the time. My stupid headaches wont go away. And I dont eat much, yea yea that could be making me have low energy ..whatever. Food is nasty it all tastes bad.

My boyfriend and I have decided to get married in August. I love him, I cannot wait. And I finally got the guts to tell my mom, heh I told her on mothers day. I guess she was suprised. She doesnt seem to mind or anything, but she didnt seem completely happy. She thinks Im a fuck up just like my sister. Whatever.

School is finally over, it was so hard to get through that last part, especially doing my final project, I did it and handed it in like 30 minutes before it was due. Oh well, it was pretty bad.

We’re suppose to be moving in August, to our studios. (audra to hers, me and kirk to ours)..but now they say we might be able to move sooner, that will be really nice. Though its weird, because I thought Id be spending the rest of the summer here with audra. But I guess, its not like we’re moving far. We might even be in the same building. *shrugs* I dont know.

Its really weird. I havent written in my real journal in the longest time. I just dont know what to write in it. I have nothing to say about anything. My life is pointles…grr..ok, maybe not completely. I do write myself little letters at work when I just want to pretend I am somewhere else.

Ive just felt this terrible weight in my chest, you know that ickie..sad,lonely, lost..etc..one? I dont like it at all.

I filled out my nanny application tonight, and sent it in. Now I feel all ickie, like anxious and nervous. Maybe I’ll get a good job..and I can be semi happy like I was at my job last year. At least then I wouldnt feel like shit before going into work, and feel even worse when I get home.

Whatever, enough of my bitching and stuff. Im just going to go be sad or something.

bye.