kill me already.
lets see. id love to come to OD for once and say how happy I am and how happy I have been lately. but that just inst the case here.
When I am happy when I am feeling better I dont even come to write at OD. I have nothing to say whatsoever when I am feeling fine.
I hate this though. I hate the..I feel better this week or month..and then here is this week and I feel like dying. I feel like killing myself.
I wonder what the point of my life is. WHy is it I am still alive when I could have killed myself so many times..and I still can it is completely up to me.
My day today. blah I wouldnt even call it a day. I woke up at 1pm and I got on the computer..after being on for like 5 minutes I just started crying and I couldnt stoped..I walked over to the bathroom and I leaned against the door for like 10 minutes..and then I got in bed and went to sleep.
I woke back up at 3 went online and the same thing happened. THis time I just got in bed….end the tears just streamed out. I was so sad..and so hurt. By so many things. i slept till 7pm
a lot of the times when I cry I feel myself crying over nothing..usually it is just a reaction..something that just comes.
today though it was different. I had reasons to cry, and it hurt so bad. like it really drained everything out of me. the saddness took over me.
no matter how much last night I said that I was going to wake up fine today..that I wasnt going to let anything happening affect the way that I have been feeling lately (better)..but i let it happen anyway.
i was just working on things one day at a time..and today really just bit me in the ass, hard.
but..i dunno.
a friend called me tonight. i was actually very happy to hear from him. even though I was online at the time, I got to listen to my message. It was nice. I really miss him, he asked me to write him, so I did. Now I just have to go to the post office to be able to mail it.
I got pulled over tonight, it was such shit..I almost cried. I never looked at the cop..and when he asked questions I just mumbled out the answers. And while he was standing there..i said to my roommate “i hate life” i should have asked him if he could kill me. would have been nice.
I really want to cut..like really badly. I mean..the urge..is strong..I really think I might. but then theres work to worry about.. I dont know.
I almost just want to quit everything Im doing. everything..ugh.
I want to die. And maybe I should. Im only give this a few more chances. but im not really sure i have the guts to kill myself.
::sigh::
so will you kill me, please.
yeah, I’ll kill you. but I have this other person I want to kill too, but just because they mess with my head alot. I am going to die soon. I just know it. this sounded alot like my day by the way…
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i kill at least 5 people daily, you can be on my next list if you’d like.
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~hugs~ im sorrie.
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Need a reason to live, sweetie? Your nephew. Imagine how sad his life would be without you in it. You have value, and it would be a shame to waste that. {{{hugs}}}
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