i feel like i ruined my life

By having surgery that is. I’m so mad. I’m so mad that I didn’t do more research. That I didn’t look into alternatives beyond the therapy I was doing. I’m so mad that no one told me i could just wait it out. That in 2 years I’d feel fine. I already had 9 months under my belt. They told me this would be great. That I could be active again and free from pain. Now I’m bed ridden, filled with anxiety and my life is falling apart. I can’t teach. I can’t write. D is not going on an important business trip because he’s scared to leave me alone.
I don’t know how I reherniated the disc. Maybe it was sneezing. Maybe it was because I sat in 20 minute intervals at my desk. They said I could do that. But maybe that was it?
I had my leg caught in an oil rig when I was 12. This is worse.
I was stabbed when I was 20. This is worse.
I’ve had two nervous breakdowns. This is worse than both of them combined.
Sometimes I think no matter what happens, it’s going to be okay. I’m in a wheelchair. It’s okay. I lose the use of my right leg. It’s okay. I can deal with all that. What I can’t stand is this, chronic pain. Searing unbearable pain that never stops. This herniation is huge. I’m scared it will get bigger. I’m scared it’s always going to be like this — I look okay. I can walk 30 minutes. I can’t sit at all, ever. My neck is so sore from being propped up in bed. I have all this muscle tension. I can’t stop shivering, under the blankets with the heat on. I just can’t stop.
The cortisol I released during the panic attack on Friday is wearing off. I felt physically better for a while. Then last night I had a muscle spasm and was convinced that the herniation had expanded. I did all this research for hours and could not find anything conclusive one way or another. Fuck!
I’m begging you, if you have lower back pain, do pilates, take care of it. Do not put yourself through this. Do everything you can to avoid surgery. A few people in my life tried to tell me that and I didn’t listen. Now I’m paying the price. And so is everyone around me. I feel like this total basket case. A total drain on my friends and family. I feel so guilty, so awful about this. What my poor husband is going through night after night. Now he has a heart murmur from the stress. I’m forty one and my life feels like it’s over.
I don’t imagine the nursing home scenario anymore. I imagine that I’ll just lose the ability to walk and feel in my right leg and it will take about five years to get there. All the disc regeneration stuff is about eight years off because we lost so much ground while stem cell research was being used as a political football. I’m angry, scared and sad. I’m in mourning for my old life. Every moment I wish I could take back that one choice. Every moment I feel the weight of that choice on me. I feel every regret for being jaded, for taking things for granted, for not doing more while I had the chance. I feel like I ruined my life and I don’t know how to fix it.