Sleepless Nights

My daughter is 17 months old and has slept through the night only a handful of times–if that–in her own crib.

When Alayna was first born, after 27 long hours of active labor, Nick and I were the happiest two people on the face of this Earth. And we still are–we are just that much more sleep-deprived, as well. Which, in his case, doesn’t make for a very fun person to be around most of the time–and he admits that, so I’m justified in saying it.

I breastfed Alayna exclusively for just about the first year. Well, when I did go back to work (part-time) and she was at my Grandma’s, she was fed with a bottle, but it was expressed milk, so I still consider that exclusive breast-feeding. I know others do not. IMO "exclusive breastfeeding" is no formula–period. During summer, when Alayna was about 10 1/2-11 months or so, we (or I, at the constant persuasion and nagging of Nick) started weening Alayna during the day. She was drinking expressed milk through a tippy cup, as well as water, and only at night did I nurse her.

The thing with nursing, though, is that in the middle of the night, when you have to be up early in the morning, it’s just easier to go get her from her crib, bring her back to bed with her, pop the boob out and fall asleep, leaving her to suckle as long as she wanted and then sleep. And this became habit.

Fast forward to now, when she has been off the boob for nearly 6 months, but still is not sleeping through the night. She falls asleep in the living room, at 9 o’clock, either cuddling with myself, Nick, or on the floor with her pillow and we take her to her crib. For awhile, she was staying asleep for a little while before waking up and wailing. Recently, she has become such the light sleeper that no sooner than do I lay her in her crib, then her eyes pop open and she begins her whining and wailing.

Now, from the time I found out I was pregnant, I told Nick I don’t believe in the cry-it-out method. I’ve been forced to give in….a little. Many nights we’ve tried going in, consoling her, having her fall asleep and then sneaking out, only to listen to her wail a short while later when she wakes up and realizes one of us is no longer standing over her bed. It’s become taxing….especially on Nick. Especially on our relationship. And eventually, we give in and bring her in to bed with us, because we deserve a good nights sleep, too.

It’s a new year and Nick has decided he is done with the way we’ve been doing things. He’s decided he won’t go in to try and console her anymore. I did some reading on sleep -training and was prepared to give it a try, but I can’t do it alone, and well, alas…..I am conceding, per usual.

Last night, she fell asleep with Dad and I carried her to bed. 5 minutes go by and she begins to wail. I let her cry for 5 minutes before going in, hugging her (not out of her crib, mind you), talking to her, tucking her in, and letting her know it’s all right. I’m in her room for about 5 minutes and tell her I’m going to leave and that she needs to sleep in her room, that Mommy and Daddy are just in the next room. I leave and less than 5 minutes pass before she begins to wail. I let her cry for ten minutes, during which I am told that my going in there only gave her more energy and she is crying harder. I go in there, finally, after ten long minutes, and console her again. This time, when I leave, she starts crying before I even get out of the room.

It is brutal. It is heart-breaking. And she is crying even harder. Nick is right–my going in there only gave her more energy. But it kills me to listen to her sob like she is. What else am I supposed to do? And he’s not much help to me. He’s conceded to trying and is done with that….but that leaves me high and dry with a breaking heart and a sobbing child.

It is 30 long minutes, but Alayna finally falls asleep, on her own and in her crib. I go in and tuck her in. She slept until 9:30-ish this morning. Without waking to come in bed with us.

But how long will she "cry it out" tonight? I feel like I am abandoning her. I feel like letting her "cry it out" will leave her with feelings of resent when she is older. I know I am being irrational, but I can’t help it.

I can’t do this every night for who knows how long. I am already dreading tonight.

Til next time, I bid you adieu. Ciao bella.