I wanted to cut myself again….

     I can’t believe how retarded I am. Yesterday Warren told me that he liked Bridgette (sp?). I was teasing him about how he always looks at Irene, and I was joking about it, but to convince me that he didn’t, he told me that he actually was trying to be with someone right now. I tried so hard to hide it, but I felt terrible. I didn’t want to ask him right away, but I asked him who but he made me swear not to tell anyone. Especially because Peter will try to f–king kill him. He told me that for the past month or so, they’ve just been randomly making out in his car. I was like, “you made out with her?” and his face went all red, and he was like, “ya.”

      It’s weird because I don’t know how to feel. I wonder if maybe it’s true that he just never liked me, and I wonder if maybe what Brad said was right, and that one day last year I should have just kissed him and overcame my fear and seen what happened. Maybe that was my only chance. Because somehow I don’t think he would be randomly making out with her. I think she was the initiator. He’s too shy, and he especially wouldn’t have done that because of the whole Peter factor. But I also thinks he really really likes her if he’s willing to take that risk. It’s so depressing! I’m still not even 100% sure that he knows I still have a thing for him. And what makes it worse is that he’s my friend and I talk to him ALL the time. I wonder if things would be different if he knew, or if he already knows, or if maybe things would be better had I had the nerve to just kiss him.

   It was also really weird because it didn’t seem to really bother me that much when he told me, but that’s what he does to me, he makes me feel so happy even on the worst day. It didn’t really make me feel upset until about an hour after being with him. I kept on feeling like I was going to cry, and then I starting listening to music, and that’s when the tears started to fall. I was painting designs on my nails with red over the black, and it reminded me of blood, and I couldn’t help but think how good it would feel if I just made myself feel physically what I felt emotionally. Just the thought made me feel so good. But I know how bad it is to put myself through that again. I took everything within myself to wait for the feeling to pass. It was so powerful and overwhelming. The feeling is still there, but it’s not as strong as it was then.

               I hope they don’t end up together, so then Chris won’t find out…