Doubles Dutchman

In which our Hero has no updates about his relationship but answers the request for an update anyway

I don’t talk about my relationship anymore. I guess that’s obvious when it’s the first question that anybody who knows about it asks me. It’s the first question here. But I don’t talk about it, because as with so many other things in my life, there’s just not a lot to tell.

Two facts: We still haven’t had a moment to talk face to face. And I’m not an idiot.

Regarding the first fact, all I can say is that are considerations that I do not share here, and that I agreed to at the start. I will freely tell you that this is not how I imagined the story would play out when I got into this, and I will honestly admit that it hurts. It hurts in an ongoing constant way, and it sucks that this is how things go and it sucks that my happiness shares the stage with my pain, but even though I can’t explain, I accept it.

I accept it, and I choose not to complain. Because if I’m going to complain, I’m going to complain to her, not here.

Regarding the second fact, I am acutely aware that I look like a fool. I look like a fool to persist under these circumstances. I look like a fool for accepting my situation with her. If at the end of our time together, we fail to make it, then I’ll look like even more of a fool than I do now. If we succeed, then I’ll be a romantic fool which at least redeems me. But it doesn’t change that this is how things went, and this is how we started.

All I can offer is my assurance that I am not blind. I am first an analytical mind, someone who looks for evidence and tries to build rational conclusions. I’m someone who studies patterns and builds models to anticipate what the outcomes will be. And I’m someone who assesses risk and impact to see what’s more likely and what’s less likely and how much each of those is going to hurt.

It sucks to not want to talk about your relationship. It sucks to know what it looks like and not be able to argue or defend. It sucks to hold it all in, and I’m sure that it’s a big part of my quiet. Sometimes I wonder if my silence feeds back and does more harm to the situation. I don’t know. I have my guess.

I wish I could talk more about it. I wish I wasn’t constrained

I am where I chose to be. I am the man on a raft in the ocean raging at a hurricane. There’s a chance to get rescued and dozens of ways to fail or die. Right now I’m standing my ground and I’m satisfied of my sanity as I admit the best lunatics are.

Still. Perhaps the storm will heed me.