Who man strain

In which our Hero stepped out with the note still left on his sticky (browser) pad

Dammit, 480 words into my challenge with over a minute left in my 600 second timer and the fucking “You updated, want to reboot?” prompt popped up and took focus just as I hit entry. Poof. Entry gone. Not that it was a great entry, but I was at least going to get something written at a speed if not my old one. Frustrating.

I used to be a party animal. Not in the traditional sense, I admit. I don’t think I’ve felt entirely comfortable at a party since I was in the single digits, and as a younger adult, my introversion blossomed faster than most of the rest of me, causing me to generally avoid social occasions. But I’d still go because social occasions are one of the obligations of the human animal. We go to the social events to enjoy ourselves or in my case to show that my particular care for a particular person is such that I feel the need to be one of the people surrounding the host/star with their people even if their people aren’t my people. And that “if” is really much more of a “when,” which is nobody’s fault because my gift is feeling disconnected even with people who are my own.

These days, I avoid outings or leave early, or just don’t really say much and try not to notice the possible awkwardness that happens when I see some people too often for much new stuff to have happened for the usual script of asking what’s new to provide much value. Nothing new, what do we talk about now?

Once I was good at it (where “good” is more accurately “Better at it than I am now”). I used to be able to find that great switch within me that allowed me to switch into extrovert mode and then I could thrive in a party situation. I’ve been to parties where the people I was with were busy doing their thing and I still had a great time meeting people and chatting about whatever came up. Heck, I used to make friends that way, once. But it take will to force that transition and I seem to lack the motivation to make that switch, and instead I struggle to say, to do, to withstand and spend most of the time politely waiting or looking for spaces and opportunities to withdraw.

I wonder if there isn’t a musculature analogy here, that something psychological that I had built up is now atrophying. But then what do I do? Work is not the place to do it and that’s the vast bulk of my time right there.

I see the same trend here, on OD. When I first started here, I worked on the principle that I’d say things that were worth saying. But over time, I’d come to realize that there’s a certain courage to posting at all, and I started to try to note every time I read. And since I lost my place in my favourites list, I’ve found it difficult to note people. I mean casual stuff is easy but more than that, I find myself wanting to take time to reflect on the note. Except I wouldn’t, I’d write something, or more accurately part of a note, and then I’d switch tabs and forget about it till later. And then there’s a half written note that just doesn’t feel that important so I discard it.

I’m not sure what that pattern means. I’m not sure if it needs correcting. Or if it’s a canary.

My obsessive self needs to find a way to get traction with my favourites. But more than that, I need a way to express that my affection has not changed even if my vocalization has.

Maybe it’s just a job for cupcakes.

Aside, this isn’t the entry I wrote to that same opening sentence in the attempt before. Sadly, I’m confident it isn’t a better version. Let’s hope it’s comparable. 🙂