that thing you’re not asking about

In which our Hero tiptoes through the tleilax tlulips

Okay. Trying 500 words in 600 seconds this time. We’ll see how this goes, but it’s hard to imagine it feeling especially satisfying as I used to be able to pull off the 500 in 300 seconds. But maybe this is like training for a marathon and I need to build up. I don’t know.

And then the other thing is about addressing… the stuckness of life. The malaise. I got a note, Gentle Reader, suggesting that I talk to someone, but there’s not all that much to say. I don’t know there’s a point in seeking out expert help when there’s options I see available to me personally that I have not yet exercised. So for the now, I think this is about just getting as much back of a habit that I both enjoyed and that helped me.

Though I laughed out loud at the other half of the note, observing that “write down you just committed murder and give your fans reasons and they’ll all note you with positive support” that you could write about committing murder and the open diary peanut gallery will cheerfully tell you you’re a good person and that you probably needed to do it. The positive response bias is certainly true, and it’s funny as it’s the opposite of what usually drives interaction on other parts of the internet but you take what you get I guess. I have to say that I feel like I’m not so poorly served in that regard because I have people who are willing, able, and apparently unhesitating in calling me out. And there are remarks for me to address, but there’s perhaps a hierarchy to resuming my life of rhyme and part of that, certainly, must be to hit things in the order that is the most logical. It’s a process thing.

So, the big question unasked on so many lips, Gentle Reader, is the matter of Nocturne. And my answer is in three parts. One, things are good. Two, things are materially unchanged. And three, she has specifically asked me not to write about her. Obviously those last two points kind of call the first point into question, and I’ve gotten the question enough to feel the need to exercise my own judgement. It isn’t how I’d like for things to be.* But it is how things are, for reasons that I accept and will not be discussing. And until such time as I reach a point where I can’t deal with it, it’s how things are going to be.

For me, it’s something of a loss. There are moments that I would set down that are instead lost to memory. I could write them elsewhere I suppose, but this is where I journal, and elsewhere doesn’t always satisfy that impulse. And writing around her is a lot of work given her place in my life, making writing here harder than it normally would be.

So that’s something to resolve. I’m not sure if it’s just a matter of writing stuff that just flows around her, or if I need to go back and ask for a different rule for how to handle where something might touch her. That’s for me to figure out first, and the only way I can think of to do it is to get back to writing and actually being aware of where I am actually constrained.

Whatever my writing issue is, Nocturne has a major role in my life. Just not one that’s on stage.

*Time. Dammit, again I blew the target, managing only 600 words. Disappointing. Maybe it’s time to go back to write-or-die.