He straightens up and grins

In which our Hero commits his code and then sags in his saddle

The project from hell, as it’s swiftly become labelled in my mind, has reached another major inflection point. Last night, after nearly a month of continuous stress and insufficient sleep, I propped up the “alpha” version of the application on the client’s servers and send an email to my primary to let him know how things stand. After that, I got up to put my drinking glass in the kitchen. And after that, returning to my space, I stopped at the door to just lean for a minute as the relief set in.

Today is the first time in weeks where the shape of my will is not bound in a stress and desperation girdle. Take direction away and the matrix that has held off sleep and slacking for so many weeks collapses under the weight of fatigue. Tonight I take a deep breath, because I can, and because I have to.

I’ve been working too much. Too, too much. Not in linear hours, but in terms of stress and mental focus. More than that, I’ve been working too much on the wrong thing. And I promised I would, not knowing how much work it would entail. The work is not quite done yet, but I’ve honoured my word so far, and I’m not unhappy with my own dexterity. Still, even as I work, the awareness is in my head, the wrong thing. Too much expenditure, on the wrong thing.

So people ask how it’s going and ask me when it’s going to stop.

Short answer, I don’t entirely know. I took this on without clear definitions despite years of experience as to why that’s a bad idea. I’ve achieved my goals and more in doing the gig, so it hasn’t been a waste, but neither was it supposed to be quite the mess that it has been. But with a few bug fixes, I *am* at the point where I can say, Hey, this is all I signed up for. And then we can talk about replacing me. And after that…

After that, I start evaluating my life. Having identified that this project is “the wrong thing,” it drives two questions. What other “wrong things” am I spending my time on, and more importantly, how to I get better at making sure the places I spend my time are right?

The wind rises, tearing dead leaves free. Frogs croak like a cartoon car alarm. Crickets pick up the chorus. A wolf howls. I know how he feels.