Spare the Child, but check for wear annually

In which our Hero agrees that sparing the rod has value, but mostly because how do you spank if the rod is broken

Can’t think of what to write about so instead I’m going to answer a question I got: How would you discipline a child?

First of all, I will say that this is necessarily theoretical. I’ve never had primary responsibility for disciplining children, nor were they mine. I know that it’s a lot harder when they’re yours, and I know it’s a lot harder to be consistent when you’re second guessing yourself and dealing with your own emotions.

So if you are a parent, Gentle Reader, and I say something that sounds either outright stupid, or else possibly seems like I’m disrespecting a technique or policy that’s worked for you, please accept my apology in advance.

That said, I have a fairly simple philosophy, which is to be consistent. Tiny kids are logic engines and the simpler the logic, the easier it is for them to figure out the rules. I know that’s optimistic, and that life will run rampant over that. Visitors, grandparents, colds, or heck random moments of history will make me make exceptions. Or just pity for a sad sniffling baby.

Still, as much as possible, I’ve tried to manage kids with a very light touch. As few rules as possible, but those rules are non negotiable. No play that risks injury or death to self or others. No touching grown up things till you’re old enough (And no leaving the important things out where a baby can get to them easily or else you’re kind of setting them up to fail).

I was spanked, so while I understand the modern distaste for it, I also feel it’s appropriate at younger ages. I’m not sure that I’d be able to pull of the kind of sneaky-bastardness that my dad pulled with me, but I think it’s worth as much effort as a parent’s exhausted strength can manage to try to establish the boundaries early.

Actually more than that, and I don’t know how this will be received by parents with actual experience on the pointy end, but I think that a small child, lets say under 4 years old, is functionally an animal, and should be in many regards trained that way. Establish dominance, use behavioural conditioning and tactically avoid situations that create opportunities for challenges. (I know, it’s not going to be as easy as teaching a dog to sit, but frankly if you ever listen to how Cesar whatsface the dog whisperer talks about interactions with the dogs, I think there some real statements on how to interact with people in general)

I do realize that some kids are pretty close to immovable objects. There have been a few that have been true terrors and completely uncontrollable. And the only answer I’ve got to that is to try to contain the storm but otherwise not engage till someone’s home again. It’s not a good solution at all. But it’s the best I’ve got. Anyway.

As they get older, my hesitant plan for discipline breaks down. I’m not sure when to stop spanking, but I do think there’s a point to stop. My parents stopped when I was probably 10 or so. My dad just told me he was disappointed, and I still remember that it hit way harder than the spankings ever did.

One thing I stumbled on very early, and makes me kind of hope for more than one kid is that I served bulk justice. If one cousin misbehaved, everybody lost privileges. That was remarkably effective because it basically made the kids police each other, and seemed to make the guilty party anxious not to get in trouble with the others. I know it doesn’t always work, but I lucked out.

I had a lot of freedom as a child and also odd responsibilities, and that’s something I would continue. I think the sense of responsibility and capability in being able to feed myself and cook and help with the family dinner and such actually had an affect on how I responded to my parents. (Plus I was the only kid I knew who had the “chore” of creeping out in the winter morning while my dad was getting dressed for work to start his car so it’d be warmed up by the time he was ready to leave. Farm kids will laugh at me, but for a city kid, this was awesome)

Likewise, I think that the two things that have made me successful with children is that I tend to treat them seriously, even when I’m laughing at their precociousness. And I don’t generally need them to like me, which inadvertently lets them decide they’re comfortable with me.

Not really disciplinary directly, but I think it’s relevant as structural information. I’m not sure what else I can say. I’d like to investigate incentives. I keep thinking about what I could have accomplished if I’d worked for school like I work for work.

I’m not sure how to take it past that point. I mean, how would I deal with a slacker child, or a kid who insisted on getting lost in drugs? Hell, I was a slacker child indifferently participating in school just enough to minimize how much my parents and teachers hassled me. I’m not sure.

Summing up: Okay with spanking. Try early to embed the vague suspicion that you *could* get angry enough to kill them and are smart enough to not get caught. Respect them as people, even when you’re bossing them around. Raises are expensive, titles are cheap.

Okay. So this one was probably pretty dull. Sorry.