Sometimes so tired of explaining

In which our Hero realizes that in the Valley of the Blind, everybody is an art critic

I was a misfit in my university program. Demographically I mean. I knew I belonged there, but I wasn’t just on the low end of the average entrance mark, I was actually several points below the cut-off for entry. Which I suppose should have been clear foreshadowing of the fact that I was never one of the giants of my academic class. Or as a favourite stolen joke puts it, I wasn’t in the top half of the class, I helped make the top half possible.

That’s not humility, that’s documented fact. If you’ve seen The Big Bang Theory, I had a Sheldon Cooper in my class, a socially dysfunctional mathematical prodigy whose arguments to correct professors had the suspense of a Wimbledon final. Between him and the actual #1 in our class, a beautiful and brilliant woman, and the rest of the top 10, I’m actually quite familiar with genius. And I know that I’m not it.

As I said, not humility. Being unremarkable in the company of giants still leaves me a deep foundation for my ego. And years of applying my wits for a living have left me confident in my skills and strengths and my ability to face the unknown.

But I miss that company sometimes. And lately, I’m feeling a little frustrated and impatient. I know that we’re not kids anymore. Most of my peers have families and responsibilities. They (we) don’t have time to spend a weekend playing with technology for the heck of it. That’s why I loved that programming promo so much. Suddenly there was motivation for a few of my peers to join me on a design project.

Now that the promotion is over and it’s back to caring about stuff solely on your own motivation, the guys aren’t delivering. I want to learn a new database technology and Hollywood says the same. It’s a concept that’s been showing up a lot, over the last few years, and there are names that keep showing up. Just like if you talk about mp3 players, you’ll hear about ipods. And if you talk about shoes, you’ll hear about nike, or adidas. To be interested in a knowledge space is to let your ears perk up just a little when the names go by.

So why is it that Hollywood didn’t recognize the leading product name when I mentioned it to him two weeks ago? And why, when this is supposedly something he’s interested in, and after I explained it to him when he asked then, did he not understand the term again the other day?

Because he’s not that interested, we conclude. Because in the midst of family and work and such, this isn’t a priority. Is this a bad thing really? No, probably not. But I’m disappointed, and then a little annoyed. I shouldn’t have to explain it to a guy like him, in the field that he works with. It’s not new and obscure. It’s just obscure.

Similarly, I was having a conversation with the Admiral, and I gave him a simple and clear three step suggestion for how to deal with an issue he had, and he somehow misunderstood every single step and started arguing with me about them. And I try to be patient, but I was already frustrated and now this guy is challenging me with things that aren’t relevant.

I just couldn’t handle it. I tried to change the subject, but he kept asking questions and eventually, he got about 90% of the way to where I’d tried to take him in the first place, but I was just worn out.

And even though he should know better. Even though he’s done the process that I was suggesting before. Even though this is not a rocket science condition, he’s not feeling confident.

Leaving me wondering, what’s wrong with me. If everybody else is like this, and asks all these questions and has all this self-doubt. Why am I okay with staying inside my own head? What dangers do I expose myself to when I refuse my security blanket?

Am I mad? I ask myself. No, my answer after reflection. I’m just irritated.