I, Consultant

In which our Hero has a long day and will be proud of it later, when he’s not blurry-eyed tired.

I can’t seem to ever explain my job. It gets frustrating sometimes, because people think that I’m either lazy, or I’m a workaholic, and I’m neither. Family is especially baffled that that I can come home early or work from home on occasion. People think I have it easy because these days I work 3 miles from my home and most days I’m home by 4:30.

It’s not just the “muggles,” though. It’s hard to explain my role and my position to people inside my industry. They don’t advertise for people like me. They don’t know how to articulate the role if they wanted to. And they usually don’t want to pay for someone like me because I don’t call myself a senior anything, even if I operate as a senior a-lot-of-things. Sometimes clients and even my company’s own account managers hesitate at the idea of bringing me onto a project. The first reaction to my assignment in Oz was a very awkward “interview” with the account manager who asked me if I had any background with the three critical technologies on the project, and that made the interview cheerfully short because all I had to do was answer “No” three times.

I’ve been trying to figure out my elevator pitch. *Someone* feels my “I make things go” is not actually a viable branding. And all I’ve got is a response, which is to politely agree that you don’t need me. And you don’t need me. If you think you’ve got a problem that requires a java programmer, you can hire a java programmer with more current experience and cheaper than me. In fact, I’d be happy to help find one and interview them. If you need a project manager, you may not need me either.

But when those cheaper people have left, or are stuck, when you don’t even know how to ask for help, that’s the right time to give me a call.

Yesterday, we turned up a problem in the system. And out of the 6 people who have been working on afflicted components, the four of them with unique skills are all on vacation. And we’re going live on Monday, and the management is so focused on this that they’re actually booking a meeting to “watch” and double check as the first client goes through this system.

And since there’s nobody to turn to, they look at me.

So since yesterday, I’ve been digging into 24 person-months of work to understand the details and account for the error and fix it. Which today I did. Oh, and by the way, I also rewrote one of the programs because they don’t understand what they were doing and the correct answer is 3 lines of code, not 10 pages.

That’s me. I make it go.

And they have no idea how good I am. They know I’m on top of their heap. But I think they have no idea how far down that heap goes.

Today I fixed the bug and said, “Everything is ready for you, can you retest please?”

Response: “In order to retest you have to reset the database”

“Yes, I did that.” And all the other things that need to be done before you retest. Which is why I said everything is ready. “Can you retest please?”

They did: “We’re getting an error. Cannot open [file]”

That file isn’t on my system. So I told the, adding, “The problem is on your end.”

Reply: “I think the error is that it cannot open the file.”

Uh, yes. Good diagnostic skills. Also, the error message actually said that explicitly, thank you.

Today I found what looked like another bug, and I went to the developer of that piece to ask, “Hey, I can’t find where we set the end date for the extract. Is that in your code?”

“I can’t remember,” he answers. “I’ll have to look it up.”

And looks at me, as if I’m going to go away now. “Can you look it up please?”

I honestly think it startled him. I honestly think he was genuinely surprised that I actually wanted him to look it up.

This one had previously made it off my “Waste of Oxygen” list. But he’s still on my “Cannon Fodder” list. Which means that I’ll use him since I have him. And I’ll replace him as soon as the opportunity ever comes.

Not because of this, actually. No, my problem with him is that he has been doing the same job for more or less 5 years. And he *still* has to go to the DBA for database help, and bug the guy he took over from for Java help. Which seems unfair of me to be unhappy with, but it’s the programmer equivalent of filling in the same spreadsheet many times a month for that period and still needing to have the sheet explained each time.

So yeah. Not useless. And I make things go, even if sometimes the thing is him.

Anyway. My job? Solve problems. Whatever it takes.

Fuck yeah.

woman in the moon

August 5, 2011

All I know about consultants is they came in before our plant closed.

I realize you are a different kind of consultant. I do sometimes wonder where my consultants are and what they are doing now. They came in and suggested impossible things. Not an ounce of practicality in anything they suggested. I repeat myself.

I had a fun conversation with a project manager last week and told him about you being a Technical Ninja and “I make things go.” He seemed impressed with my description of you. Maybe you should upgrade yourself to Senior Technical Ninja. Heh.

you de man. i knew that long ago when i saw the cowboy hat. lol

I am the worst person ever. I like the “I make things go” but only as a catchy phrase. I don’t like it for when you use it to tell people close to you, what you do. It actually depresses me and frustrates me a lot that I have no idea. Like I get really, really upset about this. I wish you could understand. I can understand the value of what you bring to someone’s company. When Iwas a personal assistant, I was pretty cocky. I was running the woman’s website, her organization’s website, was organizing her office and home constantly, her kids trusted me (triplets, 16 years old), her husband was an emergency doc who wanted to be my mentor, I had tax experience and could help her with her taxes, and I had connections to lots of people who wanted to invest in real estate. I remember thinking (and maybe even saying), “She can’t replace me.” But she did. The one and only job I’ve been fired from and the sad thing is, as my boss, she didn’t even communicate to me what she needed, and instead, after being disappointed, she fired me. My dad said it’s because she found someone cheaper. And it probably was because of that. Anyway, my point is, I get your par

I get the part where you write about how they don’t need you for all these small roles. Because even though Laura (boss) was able to replace me, later, when I was working with my mother, she couldn’t. And still hasn’t been able to. And I’m the most expensive employee she has ever had. By double. And it’s because even though she can hire a CPA who may know more about income tax than me (even though of all the CPA’s she has hired, all of them have either messed up lots of tax returns or had to keep asking her for assistance on the actual taxes) or she can try to train someone under here for a season and then see if they can run an office on their own, they can’t. And that’s because as great as these people may be, they won’t be the same as one of me. I know that’s a cocky thing to say, too, but the fact is, I’ve got the knowledge, the customer service, the knowledge in how to train people, how to manage people, and MOST OF ALL, the common sense. So, when we have a problem, I can usually handle it without having to call her, or without anything like that. It’s surprising how essential common sense can be and how few people have it.

The biggest benefit my mom has of me working in one of her offices isn’t that she can trust me, it’s that I save her time. She can focus on her office and completely forget about the one I’m in. I know it doesn’t compare much more than being parallel, but I know you are one of the most incredible people I have ever met. I don’t know the scope of your knowledge or your talents, but I trust your ability to diagnose problems and solve them. I am deeply attracted to your engineering knowledge and your common sense and your way of being able to find an answer even if you don’t have one. Sometimes, I think it’s the biggest thing I am attracted to, but then I remember your heart and your eyes and your voice and our chemistry. I just don’t know if anyone will ever realize your value in the work place until after they’ve worked with you for awhile. Sadly, the things you CAN offer are things I don’t think really go on a resume. And I bet that’s why companies ask those situational based questions– anyone can have skills on a resume, but can people apply them? Do they know what to do in an emergency or after a mistake?

You, consultant. I, lover.

Serin, that’s an amazing “elevator pitch.” I think you’ve got it sorted, you couldn’t write a better brochure to advertise your expertise! I was reading that, and I thought I’d definitely hire you. You should put your closing statement on the back of a business card, “fuck yeah” and all.