Something is hapening to me

Interesting.

I feel somehow short circuited.  It could be the fact that I haven’t slept in a really long time.  It more than likely is.

Provided I go to sleep at a reasonable time, I don’t think I will have any problem righting my sleep schedule.  Here’s hoping that I won’t fuck it up.

Oh, and additionally – I am supposed to be receiving some computer equipment for this strange online job thingy that I applied for, and I know that I should automatically be wary of online ‘jobs’ and believe me – I am – but the thing that’s weird about this one is that it seems somewhat legitimate.  And I don’t like it.  The person I’ve been corresponding with is an ESL person, which makes me uncomfortable and also makes me feel even more like it’s a scam.  I dunno – I have another lead that I’m entertaining and I should find out about the ‘other lead’ (aka a factory job) by tomorrow or wednesday.  I’m getting really pissed off at these temp agencies and how they’re dicking me around.  Meh, fuck ’em.

But I am glad that I am writing in this thing.  It kind of settles me down, and lets me look inside myself a little bit.  Which is something that drastically needed to be done.  And the nicest thing is that I don’t even pay attention to what I’m writing because I’m so delightfully preoccupied with how fast I’m typing it.  Yeah, that’s me being honest. Hah!

So my mom apologized for the scathing emails she sent me before christmas.  I haven’t decided how to respond to her.  Ideally, she never would have apologized and I would have lived the rest of my life blissfully happy in my self-righteous decision to ignore her, but she has to fuck things up again, naturally.  She already apologized (recently), so I can’t get angry with her and voice my opinions to get my emotions out and obtain some closure, because she ‘already apologized’ and I would be ‘beating a dead horse’ and she’s already so ’emotionally fragile’ and I should have some ‘decency, and compassion’ and just realize that she’s ‘sorry’ and able to say a shit ton of mean things to me – horribly mean things – and then just apologize once she’s realized that she fucked up (as evidenced by my complete lack of contact with her immediately following the emails).

Run on sentences re-read remind me of my resentment.

But it’s not fair, dammit.  And now I’m thinking about her, and I’m in a worse mood, and I’m so fucking angry.  I don’t have to accept her apology – I probably won’t.  And *I’ll* be the bad guy.  Awesome.