I Surrender

It is 1:19 PM on a Tuesday afternoon, and I have only been out of bed long enough to shower and eat. I confess. I suffer from depression.

This summer has been very challenging for me. The ups and downs were devastating and on more than one occasion I considered the possibility that things would get easier if I would just die.

Today I am depressed about my living arrangements. I share a house with 4 other people — three males, and the girlfriend of one of them who has recently moved in without consulting any of the rest of us, including the owner of the house. In all honesty, I am very glad she is here. She is very sweet, she helps with the housework, and it’s just nice having another woman in the house to dilute the testosterone a little.

But I’m tired of living in a place where it’s acceptable to say things like "fuck women. They suck;" or "women aren’t worth the paper they’re written on…. present company excepted."

The two that say these things seek out immature, insecure, extremely high maintenance women. Then, when the women they are interested in become too demanding to bear, or start playing mind games with them, well, that’s just how all women are. It’s so insulting and frustrating. I’ve tried to point out to them that I am not that way, but they tell me that I’m simply an exception to the rule. They are completely unwilling to take any responsibility for their part in the bad choices. It’s infuriating.

This, however, is not what has me hibernating today. I’m just overwhelmingly stressed out about money, right now. I had a hell of a time finding work over the summer. I taught a brief summer school session, and while it helped a lot, it did not pay all the bills. Now that school has started, I have been working pretty steadily, but I don’t get that check until October 10. So I’m living on borrowed money and the generosity of people whose company I cannot stand at the moment.

In addition to this, we are Everquest II junkies…. the whole lot of us. We created our own guild and then that was pretty much the end of any structure involved in it. Recently there have been some big changes to the game which included big changes to guild structure. As the person who generally does the stuff for the guild, I changed some things around and now everyone is pissed off at me. The greatest cause of frustration here is that a game should not cause me to feel bad in real life. The second thing that hurts me is that they just assumed the most negative scenario possible. I get no credit for being fair nor for all that I have done in the past. I just get chewed on.

I have realized that much of my depression revolves around feeling like I’m letting people down. I think the combination of people being pissed off at me over stupid game stuff and having financial difficulties that make me feel like a mooch. The thing is, I don’t even owe anyone here any money. I just feel like I look like a mooch to them because I’m not buying groceries and cooking like I used to.

In any case, I’m surrendering to the fact that I am a depressive type. I couldn’t admit this to myself for a long time. It felt like something I should be ashamed of. I guess I still feel like it’s something I should be ashamed of.

Currently, I’m taking St. John’s Wort. I’ve been taking it for about a month and have felt like it was really helping a lot. I think working regularly has helped a great deal also. I guess today is just a bad day. People have them. I don’t feel like the world is going to end or anything. I’m excited about things that are coming up, like the televised algebra class I’m going to start teaching in a couple of weeks. I have a wonderful man in my life (you’ll hear more about him in the future).

So, I guess I should just consider this my disease. Today I’m having trouble with the symptoms, so I’m prescribing a day of bedrest, Peanut M&Ms and talk shows.

Thank you, Dr. Journal, PhD. You’ve been a great help today.