Day Seven

April 10, 2006

Dear Lunch Buddy,

It’s been one week, today, since the last time I saw you. Since the last time we touched. Since the last time I felt whole.

It’s been a surprisingly pleasant day, considering it’s the week-aversary of our break-up and the fact that I attended a funeral today.

I’m exhausted. I hardly slept last night, and woke up at 6:00 AM, when my brother-in-law was leaving for work. The sofa that I slept on was hard as a rock, too. I woke up again at 7:30, when my sister came out to change the baby. And who could sleep through his angel giggles?

I spent the morning with her/them. She took me to breakfast for watching the kids, and then we went to Wal-mart to do some shopping. On the way home, we went through the Starbuck’s drive-thru. She told me that a light mocha frappacino is only 2 points, so I got one. I thought to myself, now there’s something I can get when Lunch Buddy and I go to Starbucks. Then I got that sick feeling in my stomach again. I was thinking about you so hard today, I thought you might call. It made me happy to get an e-mail from you, even though it was just a quicky about GW. I knew that you just wanted to say Hi to me, and that made me very happy.

I talked to my sister about you… and about my mom, actually. She’s finally starting to see the mom that I see… the flawed woman who talks much bigger than she is. When I visited with my mom and sister last Tuesday, she (mom) started to say something nasty about you. I told her what we had discussed, and that there’s a chance you’ll choose to leave and come to me. Mom got puffy and said, "He should have made that decision before he let your relationship evolve. He should never have gotten involved with you if he didn’t already know what he wanted. Then she back-pedaled and said, "but that didn’t happen, so I guess he’s just human." I think what happened is that she remembered how she came to leave her first husband. Hmm…. let me see if I remember this correclty. Oh, yeah. That’s right. We were living with the man she’s married to now, while husband number 1 was in Germany trying to find us a place to live (not trying hard, mind you, but still…) Instead of severing ties with husband # 1, she shacked up with husband # 2, and waffled on the matter for several months, leaving not only # 2 in the lurch, but all of us kids, as well.

My sister even admitted that Mom was being a little hypocritical. I know Mom’s just doing it to make me feel better, but it really doesn’t make me feel better. I am comforted with the knowledge that when she meets you, she will love you. This I have no doubts of. It will never be like you and your current MiL.

Anyway, this afternoon I attended the funeral of my mom’s cousin. She passed away in her sleep last week. I got to see my Papa and some relatives I haven’t seen in a long time. It was nice to be with family.

Each night when I weave my prayers for you, I focus my prayers into a stone. Thus far, I have focused strength into a black stone with silver lights in it. I focused peace into a pale blue stone with white and pink lights in it. I focused our love into a heart-shaped piece of rose quartz. Each of these is enclosed inside a Spiderman case that clips to my belt loop. Spiderman makes me think of you and it feels significant that he carries these stones in his chest, especially the heart with our love in it. I’ve carried it with me for several days, now.

Tonight my prayer was again for our love, but also for your mother. I’m still praying that you have talked to her. I pray that she can give you the comfort and courage that you need to do what we both know is right. The stone I chose for your mother is turquoise. It’s round and folded and reminds me of the Venus of Willendorf. I prayed that she would be filled with the love that you and I have for each other and then I placed her in the lap of La Pieta, that statuette of Mary holding the crucified Jesus. Mothers have to stick together.

My prayers tonight were the most emotional yet. I don’t know if it’s that I’m tired, that I’m more comfortable with praying like this, or that I’m getting desperate. I just know that I cried puddles and that I prayed for you and to you and for your mother. I prayed you into the candle that I’m burning for us. (My friend, my soulmate, my lover, come home to me forever). I engraved it and heated the ring you gave me and stamped the impression into the candle. Wednesday night is the full moon and I’ll burn the remainder of the candle that night and pray for you all night long.

I can’t imagine my life without you in it ever again. But I think what’s worse than imagining life without you is imagining you being ok with life without me. Don’t rob yourself of the bliss we could share.

I ache for you in every possible way,