Day Four

April 7, 2006,

Dear Lunch Buddy,

It’s day four. It was a pretty good day. I got up early and cried for a little while. Then I went to Old Sacramento. The weather was pretty and it felt good to be doing something other than working or thinking of you.

I went to the Garden of Enchantment. It’s a mystical shop. I bought some stones and some crystals, some candles and some incense. Yes, I’m planning to weave a spell. Actually, they’re more like prayers, I guess. I can say this, because I’m burning the candle at the end of the first one. Tonight I prayed that you would have the strength to do what you need to do. I confess that in the dark corners of my heart, I’m also praying that what you need to do is come to me forever, but I’m trying really hard not to be completely selfish. In any case, that’s what I inscribed on the candle: "My friend, my soulmate, my lover; come home to me forever."

My mother’s cousin passed away yesterday. There will be a funeral for me to attend in the next few days. It’ll be good to see my Papa. You’d love him and I know he’d love you.

I feel like we’re still together, Lunch Buddy. Just because you don’t call me everyday and we can’t make love anymore, doesn’t change the fact that you pump through my veins or that your lungs can’t expand completely without me. You love me and treasure me and that is the ONLY thing that has ever really mattered to me.

I wish you would talk to your parents. I know you will, because you promised you would, but I hope it happens soon. My bed is getting cold and my arms are empty. I long to stroke your smooth, bald head, or your racing stripe. I want to slide my fingers up your back and breathe you in.

Every time I hear a car door, I hope it’s you coming to tell me that you’re home to stay. I see movie promos and various other things and I long to share them with you. X-men is coming out in May and I want to see it with you.

I saw the empty Mountain Dew bottle in the trash and thought, "I need to buy more for…" and then I remembered. I just want you to be with me. Just come lay in my arms and we can work everything else out together.

I miss you so much.

Your Snot: