Day Five

April 8, 2006

Dear Lunch Buddy,

It’s day five. My heart can’t find a safe place to rest. I cry for you one moment, and in the next, I’m laughing and enjoying myself and completely oblivious. And then I miss you again.

I wonder if you really want things to work out with you and Her. I don’t believe you do. Which makes me wonder what the point of this break up is. Of course, I’m wondering about the point to many things, lately. I wonder why you’ve been spending so very much time on EQ. I wonder why you xoxoxo me and squeek me if you’re really trying to get some distance from me. I wonder if you know that you could come live here with me for the rest of our days and everything would be peaches and cream with me. I’m guessing you probably do know that one.

I wove another prayer for you, tonight. Last night it was for strength. Tonight it was for peace. Again, I have to confess that the thing I wanted to beg for most was that you would drop everything and come to me. How do I hide that from those to whom I’m praying? So I didn’t bother. I want you so badly I can’t think straight.

Sometimes during the day I think "I have to remember to tell Lunch Buddy that," or I think, "I’ll have to show this to Lunch Buddy when he comes over again." I think those are the hardest times of all, because I don’t know if you’ll be coming over again.

Other times, I can’t imagine anything else. You love me in a way you’ll never love her. We complete each other, like yin and yang. What is one without the other? How can you move past me, when I am your future?

It’s just so hard to have faith that all will work out the way we want it to. The way I want it to. I meant to buy a lotto ticket tonight, so that I could win millions of dollars and we could just set up a trust for her and the kids so that you wouldn’t have to worry about their monetary needs being met. But that’s a whole other wish. And if I had to choose between you and all the riches, I would choose you in a heartbeat.

Throughout the day I think of things that I’ll want to write down when I get here, but once I’m here, I don’t remember them. One of them is that yesterday, when I was putting out the candles in our ritual, one of them would not go out. It would go dark, and I would move the cover and it would ignite again — a flame so strong, it cannot be extinguished. I want it to be a sign.

I hope you talk to your mother soon. I’m putting all of my hope into her hands.

I love you with every beat of my heart.